Posted in: Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on December 22nd, 2008
This modern retelling of the classic fairy tale is brought to you by a division of the Jim Henson Company called Unstable Fables. I think that whoever came up with this idea is the unstable part. This is actually causing me some pain to write. I never thought the day would come when I would be totally disgusted by a Jim Henson labeled release. Anyone who remembers the charm and soul that Henson used to put into his work, or appreciates the work that son Brian has continued, might be lured into this awful trap. Daughter Lisa should be ashamed of herself for having the audacity to put her father’s name on this drivel.
The Unstable Fables are intended as a modern retelling of popular fairy tales. I can’t speak for the first two entries, but if they are anything like this I don’t want to see them. It’s far from a retelling of anything. The names are the same, but the faces and their stories have been changed to protect the ignorant. The animation is pretty shoddy. None of the animals look even remotely cute, realistic, or interesting. They are not recognizable for what they are intended to be, but they’re not humanized versions, either. They are Aunt Esther ugly.
In this tale, Goldilocks is the hit star of her own reality series, Totally Fab Rehab. Now at first I thought they were talking drug rehab centers. No, that’s just where the script was likely written. Here Goldilocks picks some unfortunate family and remodels their home and then surprises them on camera with the results. Enter the Three Bears. They live in squalor and don’t appear to have the resources to fix all of the things that are broken around their house. Junior Bear has an idea to send in a tape to Goldilocks to try and get a rehab for their home. He pleads for a chance to live the “sweet” life. Goldilocks takes him literally, and soon the Bears’ home is made totally out of candy. Candy brings bugs, namely bees. The show is a disaster, and Rehab gets the axe. But the Bears have scored well in some test markets, so now there’s going to be a new reality show. Goldilocks is going to crash with the Bears for a month. All of the reality trappings are spoofed here, from the camera testimonials to the manufactured moments of spontaneity. At first they don’t get along, but soon become a family. And if you hate the song “We Are Family”, this one’s going to make you sick.
Goldilocks And The Three Bears is presented in its original aspect ratio of 2.35:1. The print is fine, and the colors are reproduced well here. Unfortunately the animation is pretty bad. There’s a lot of pinks and yellows, making the image look like cake icing most of the time. It’s sharp with good black levels, however, so I’d call it an overall wash.
The Dolby Digital 5.1 track is another major disappointment. It’s really nothing more than dialog with the occasional musical number. Whatever you hear, it’s almost entirely directly in front of you.
Making Of…:The crew tries to justify this mess, but not even the voice cast looks like they’re thrilled to be there. Compare this snore fest to a Pixar voice talent feature, and you’ll find the energy level is pitiful here in comparison.
Even a somewhat talented voice cast that includes Tom Arnold can’t save this mess. I was actually extremely glad I got this disc, however. You see, I was trying to calculate how much torque our blender could put out. I like banana smoothies, and sometimes the ice chips won’t get fine enough. I put the disc into the blender to see how long it would hold up. It actually held up better than the film did. “Nothing personal, it’s just research.”