Posted in: Disc Reviews by M. W. Phillips on December 23rd, 2011
“Check it out, someone is selling a ghost online at Ubid!”
You know those ghost story movies where the victims not only do incredibly stupid things which further endanger them, but they are so thick they refuse to believe in ghosts even after they have been physically thrown across the room by something invisible and people around them are dying in mysterious unexplained ways? Kill Katie Malone is one of those movies.
One night in his dorm Jim (Stephen Colletti) stumbles on an online auction for a ghost in a box. He talks his college buddy, Dixie (Jonathan ‘Lil J’ McDaniel) and his girlfriend, Ginger (Masiela Lusha) into pitching in on the bid. Soon all three are the proud owners of a genuine ghost in a box. Seems this ghost is also a bit of a genie as well, because if you set her free she promises to grant your wishes. Before your know it they’ve released the vengeful spirit of an eighteenth century Irish servant girl sold into slavery bent on creating a new family… or killing adults… or just killing… um… I’m really not sure.
Of course they don’t believe in the ghost or the cursed box and continue to make wishes even though the consequences are increasingly dire. They don’t even have the wherewithal to not casually use the words “I wish” around the box. Finally Katie Malone begins her own version of wish fulfillment with them involving some cryptic shit about not separating the family… or getting free… or not getting sold again… again, it isn’t that clear. This leads to a rather denial-ridden third act culminating in a dull attempt at turning an online auction countdown into great suspense.
Borrowing heavily from Asian horror, Kill Katie Malone is saddled with Syfy Channel movie level SFX and some simply awful dialog. Even what little “gore” there is in the movie is lame CGI and very tame in its intensity. The acting isn’t bad, but the writing makes these pre-med and pre-law students look like they just stepped off the short bus. There is little or no emotional honesty in this film, something that will often save a low-budget production. When friends and faculty start horribly dying, is your first instinct to go to a party? When a wish that a professor won’t talk ends up with her tongue pulled out, do you blame your best friend? It doesn’t help that the biggest name in the cast is Dean Cain shaming his way through a short embarrassing cameo playing the douchebag who sold the kids the box and knowingly unleashed the horror on them. Oh, Dean Cain, where is Lois when you need her?
Kill Katie Malone might be worth your time if you are bored and it happens to come on cable, but be warned you may end up wanting to kill these kids yourself just to support social Darwinism. There is no nudity, and director Carlos Ramos Jr. makes sure most of the kills happen off screen as if he wanted a PG-13 rating, but threw enough f-bombs in to warrant an R. There are a couple of generally creepy scenes, and if you are a diehard fan of ghost stories you might forgive the flaws, but Kill Katie Malone will kill 90 minutes of your time that you won’t ever get back, and that’s scarier than anything in this movie.
”Entertain your friends. Scare your enemies.”