“My, what big teeth you have.”
Werewolf stories go back to Little Red Riding Hood, and likely even farther than that. Lon Chaney, Jr.’s performance as Larry Talbot, the haunted soul who bears the burden of The Wolfman, is the version that still remains the standard. Before that Werewolf Of London in 1935 started Universal’s dip into the Lycanthrope waters, and there have been a few classic retellings of the plights of these men plagued by the sight of the full moon. John Landis was the first to use modern technology to give us a most horrifying transformation in his iconic An American Werewolf In London back in 1981. The Underworld films have been my most recent favorites, and the Universal film is about to hit the box office with a remake of The Wolfman from the team that brought us the clever reimagining of The Invisible Man. Warren Zevon sang about them, and soon you’ll be able to ride a Wolfman roller-coaster at Universal’s new Orlando theme park, Epic Universe, with an entire universe land dedicated to the classic monsters. In the meantime, Mark Polonia has decided to mash-up the werewolf legends with the recent outbreak of “junkie” creatures. It’s not just the Wall Street wolves and the elite soccer moms getting high on cocaine anymore. Forget your trendy addict rock stars. Lately everything from bears to sharks have been tooting the white powder, and the results have been … well … more amusing than horrifying. Now we have a Cocaine Werewolf, and it’s all downhill from there. Downhill, yes, but somewhat amusing all the same.
“You know what would be kinky? I got a wolf’s mask in the trunk.”
So all work and no play make Jack a dull boy, or a homicidal maniac, depending on which movie you’re watching. If you’re watching Cocaine Werewolf, you get to meet a different kind of Jack, played by Brice Kennedy, who ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’s headed to New York City from Pennsylvania to have a good time. He’s a stockbroker with plenty of Jack (OK, I’m reaching for that one) and his Uber driver makes a quick pit stop. They happen to have driven into the middle of a drug deal that went really bad. The dealers all get whacked by a werewolf, and Jack ends up with a little nip. He also wakes up with a few bags of a powdery substance that appears to have been the point of the disrupted business transaction. So Jack takes a toot, but instead of getting high, he turns into a werewolf. Bit of a clever twist here. Since Jack was high when he got bitten, it isn’t the full moon that brings out his demon deep inside. Every time he takes a little snort, someone is going to have limbs ripped off, and there’s going to be a bloody massacre left behind. Nancy Reagan tried to warn you guys. “Just say no,” right?
“Low-budget horror movies, like there’s any money in that?”
Jack ends up crashing a crew making a low-budget horror movie out in the woods at night. So the hairy gent who ran amuck in Kent has a cast and crew of bad actors and filmmakers to party with. He’s also leaving behind him bloody bags of coke like Elliott leaving a trail of Reese’s Pieces. The film is about a slasher clown, but they have a far better monster than they bargained for. You could call Jack the ultimate party animal. Now if only he could stop doing the cocaine, less people would get killed, but Jack’s hooked without a 12-step program in sight. And that killer clown just might be a better monster makeup. Jack’s wolfy look is about as schlocky as it gets. It’s an oversized head that’s so obviously a fake with those Rudolph-shiny red LED lights for eyes. Better to see you, my dear. He has big teeth, the better to … you know the story. Those large pointy ears and almost as much fur as a Siberian husky, and you have a pretty good picture of the monster you’re going to get. Hooking up with a no-budget horror team? Priceless.
“It’s wolves. Trust me.”
Sheriff Luke Larson is played by Ken Van Sant. He’s the closest you’re going to get to a real character here. He might not be the sharpest tool in the toolbox, but we have to string along the clues for a little while. Brice Kennedy appears blissfully unaware throughout the film, and I have to admit I found him quite amusing by the end of the film. Fans of Polonia know these actors well, and the relationship between them and Polonia works to give us a little more bang for the buck in the cast. Most of the characters are pretty much there for werewolf fodder, but these guys stand out from the crowd.
“Who wrote this stuff?”
That would be first-time screenwriter Tyger Torrez. This isn’t director Mark Polonia’s first cocaine rodeo. He was also the man charged … I mean credited with Cocaine Shark. I suspect a Cocaine Anaconda is going to slithering into your home video collection at any time now. We have to squeeze as much as we can out of these high-as-a-kite creatures. I can’t wait until Steven Spielberg slips a T-Rex with a little nose candy down the road. Cleopatra Entertainment is distributing the film, and they also just so happen to have a record label mixed in there, so the score features a lot of punk music by artists on their label. A bit of cross-promotion never hurt anyone, but with ears like that, I mean, that’s just gotta hurt. Like many directors who work with these kinds of budgets, he’s got a handful of loyal actors who make appearances in this film as well. Don’t look for anything more than schlock-grade here and you won’t be disappointed. I never liked CG blood splatter, and that often ruins the fun for me. They even used CG to crack a windshield, and I just had to roll my eyes there. You can still do some wonderful stuff cheaply with practical f/x, and this could have been a stronger movie without those little unnecessary cheats. They try to make up for that with a little old-fashioned gratuitous nudity, which of course is a requisite for these kinds of films. Got to keep those adolescent, hormone-driven kids engaged, right? Right.
It’s out right now on Blu-ray from Cleopatra Entertainment. You get an Audio Commentary and a slideshow. There are also a couple of trailers. A bit bare-bones, but it’s not a big hit to the wallet and packs enough fun to be worthy of a view.
I actually have a soft spot in my heart for good, and by good I mean bad, schlock films. Sometimes you just want to have fun, and you’re willing to ignore all of the imperfections that are inevitable when you don’t really have any money. Schlock is great when the filmmakers understand what it is they are making and don’t try to make it pretentious. Mission accomplished here. Polonia knows exactly what he’s making here. No apologies. Just the kind of film indie filmmakers have been making for decades. “Close enough.”
