Final Fantasy XIV ESRB Rating, Street Fighter X Tekken, and Jailbreaking is okay? – Welcome to the column that will be quite happy when streaking is determined to be socially and legally acceptable known as Dare to Play the Game.
Nothing to report on World of Warcraft this week, because I’m not playing. Yep, the extent of my Warcraft life this week was reading Arthas: Rise of the Lich King by Christie Golden and watching my wife play her Gnome Warrior (tank spec) named Ankletank. It is as funny as it sounds. Kneecaps and toejam beware! In addition, I turned to my 360 for my other source of weekly entertainment.
As luck would have it, I finally beat Marvel vs Capcom 2 (XBLA) in one continue. I used the team of Ryu, Chun-Li and Cammy which got me the Street Fighter achievement. I had Ryu and Cammy on a team previously but Chun-Li proved to be the star when it counted most. Other possible achievements (online achievements for fighting games are like oil and water for me) include beating arcade with an X-Men, Avengers, and Darkstalkers team. Actually at this point, I’m not even sure who in the game is a Darkstalker.
A lovely cosplay picture for this week from a recent comic-con. That’s an awfully big sword she has. I’m not exactly sure which character she is playing (perhaps somebody who reads can enlighten us) but I think that sucker is a little too big for foreplay if you catch my drift.
Final Fantasy XIV
Warning! The Entertainment Software Ratings Board has passed judgment on Final Fantasy XIV, warning potential players against boozing, whoring, upskirts, euphemisms for masturbation, and creative ways to endanger a penis. I want in the Final Fantasy XIV beta so badly now I can almost taste it. The ESRB listing for the game reads like a menu of things one might find hilarious if they’d for instance, been up all night working on a rather large infographic. Yes, in my delirious state, I’d find lines like “The netmaster’s probably up in his office polishing the mast just thinking about her” simply hilarious, and “stick yer manhood in the forge” might just be my new catchphrase.
Here’s the full listing:
This is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) in which players navigate a large cast of characters that engage in missions and fight the forces of evil. Players explore environments (e.g., cities, plains, caves) and battle human and fantasy creatures. Players use swords, spears, axes, firearms, and magic spells (e.g., fire balls, energy beams) to defeat enemies in real-time combat. Cutscenes depict a man being stabbed from behind, and creatures emitting splashes of purple or yellow blood when struck. Some female characters are depicted from low camera angles, with lingering camera views of their buttocks (i.e., up-skirt shots).
Dialogue contains suggestive references, for example, “The netmaster’s probably up in his office polishing the mast just thinking about her,” “stick yer manhood in the forge,” and “You cheating little whore!” Several characters are referred to as drunk or drunken, while others sometimes talk about wine, rum, and grog. The word “sh*t” can be heard in the dialogue.
I’m going to go preorder two copies. Someone remind me to cancel the extra ones in the morning please.
As most know by now, Final Fantasy will be trying their hand at a full scale MMO again, apparently XI wasn’t enough to deter them. Since everybody has to go and get their game rated prior to launch, this one certainly has some of the most interesting warnings I’ve seen yet. I guarantee there is somebody at Square headquarters who is laughing their head off as we speak. Actually it might be a whole team.
It has the standard stuff, characters are fighting evil, characters fight, characters die (usually by some sort of weapon or magical spell), and there are such things as blood splatter. Then it gets weird. Female characters can be depicted from low camera angles and some shots will tease the feminine behind. Up-skirt FTW. Seriously, when did Final Fantasy take on the characteristics of Japanese high school anime? Do they also giggle and jump around a lot for no reason at all, because that would be awesome.
Then it gets even weirder with dialogue that looks like somebody used a thesaurus and referenced the word masturbation. Polishing the Mast? Perhaps one could also choke the chicken or visit Ruby Palm and her five sisters. But then Square created the finest statement ever, their masterpiece: “Stick yer manhood in the forge”. Really? Don’t you think that would chafe the monkey a bit?
However, what can we tell from this statement? 1)It was made by a dwarf. 2)he’s into blacksmithing (or you are) and 3)Square-Enix does not employ females in any department that’s remotely linked to vocal recording or script writing. Seriously, if we can expect more highlights like this one, I hope they have a demo period cause I would to love to give the PC version a try.
“Then I told him to stick his manhood in the forge.”
“Yeah, and he actually did it, can you believe that?”
“Indeed, hey want to go get a hot dog?, Hahaha, get it, hot DOG!”
“Only if you are going to order it with some pickle relish on top”
(I should really stop now)
Street Fighter IV producer Yoshinori Ono had his “Street Fighter IV and Beyond” panel interrupted by Tekken producer Katsuhiro Harada today, with the rival fighting game makers joining together to announce two Street Fighter versus Tekken collaborations.
Street Fighter X Tekken was introduced with a teaser trailer featuring Street Fighter’s Ryu facing down Tekken’s Kazuya Mishima in a pre-rendered sneak peek presented in Street Fighter IV’s sketchy, inky visual style. The game, pronounced “Street Fighter cross Tekken” will be coming to the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360.
Following the announcement, Ono surprised the crowd by holding up a Blu-ray disc with a copy of the game, then provided attendees with a live, playable demo.
Street Fighter X Tekken appears to feature Street Fighter IV’s gameplay mechanics, locked onto a 2D plane, with both Tekken and Street Fighter characters performing EX-style super moves. The match started off with Ryu versus Kazuya Mishima, but Ono and Harada tagged in two more characters, Street Fighter’s Chun-li and Tekken’s Nina Williams. Ryu deployed his trademark fireball Ultra move, with Kazuya later following that up with his spinning electrified uppercut.
Harada followed that playable match with an announcement of his own, confirming that Tekken X Street Fighter is also in development at Namco. That game is rumored to play in the style of Tekken, with contestants fighting in a 3D arena.
Ono said the games won’t be out “for a while” and that fighting game fans should enjoy Marvel vs. Capcom 3 while they wait.
I haven’t played Tekken since the 4th installment on Playstation 2 and my copy of Super Street Fighter IV for the 360 is still sealed. However, after playing a quick demo at a Game Stop this past weekend, I am certainly moved to actually open the darn thing. I’m not sure how well a game of this sort would do honestly. There are so many questions and concerns I have about both copies making it to release day.
The first concern is that both of the games have to be released on the same day and in the same package. If you release them separately but on the same week, I have a hard time believing somebody is going to spend $120 on two fighting games in the same week. Furthermore, if you separate them out on a different release date, the first one will sell more copies and very few will give the later release a second look.
By releasing them in the same week and the same package at $60, you give off the perceived notion that the game is something of a bargain and fighting fans would probably be ordering in droves. It’s a marketable idea, Street Fighter and Tekken have two of the best fighting engines in play today. The problem is going to be how profitable these two games are going to be regardless of how they end up deciding how to release them. Production costs could very well be the undoing of this great idea.
DMCA and You
Librarian of Congress James H. Billington today reveals new exceptions to the Digital Millennium Copyright Act that address the legality of jailbreaking your Apple products, unlocking your cell phone, and bypassing computer game digital rights management systems.
As part of his unending penance, every three years James H. Billington determines if there are any classes of work that require an exemption to the Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 2000’s prohibition against bypassing copyright protection mechanisms. Based on recommendations from the Register of Copyrights, whom we rather like, Billington has issued six new exemptions that affect the way play with our digital media. (continued at link)
The full article is at the link. Sorry for not posting it, but this column usually runs a bit long as it is and I’m trying to make this tidy.
I will glaze over 1,5,6 from the article so that you could actually read the column by next Tuesday. 1 dealt with the scrambling of movies on DVD which I have seen from time to time when I’m reviewing. 6 dealt with E-Text and how all that falls under this umbrella and should be able to be read aloud without protection schemes that prevent otherwise. Amen! 5 deals with software that requires a dongle and the less said about anybody’s dongle with the exception of my own the better (I might be sticking it in the forge, stay tuned).
2 and 3 kinda go together and basically tell us that unlocking your cell phone is okay by them. Nobody from the police or FBI will break into your home and molest your cat for cash and prizes because you want to unlock your IPhone. It is okay to hate AT&T’s guts and want Verizon to take over your cellular bill. Or at least it will soon be. I’m guessing there will be a few technical snafus to take care of this first.
Furthermore, it is okay to take that unlocked phone and then put all sorts of goodies not from the App Store on your phone. It is after all your phone, despite what Apple and Steve Jobs tell you. Hey, as long as you are getting the software legally and it actually can work on said device, you should be able to run it. Japanese dating software addicts will rejoice greatly.
4 is an interesting one because it mentions that it is okay to go around various PC protection measures as long as long as you own the rights to the game. I’m pretty sure this would extend to such measures as hacking any DRM or Online measure that require you to only install said game a limited number of times or forcing connection to the Internet to play a one-person non-multiplayer game (UbiSoft, I’m looking at you).
Anyway, naturally most people will only care about two and three because people are sick of using their IPhone only like Apple wants them too. Furthermore, I’ve ran a few stories on this column that speak on Apple censoring material or not allowing a certain app to be sold (after they have already approved it in some cases). It ends here Apple, and you can censor all you want because people don’t have to take it anymore. Thank you Librarian of Congress.
Jobs, meet your match. I’m sure he can throw a better first pitch at a baseball game too.
The original Hydro Thunder was a fairly decent size hit for the Nintendo 64. For people who desire racing speedboats, Microsoft decided to release it as part sequel and part remake. The graphics have been remade and all sorts of flashy options will be available. Hopefully there will be tons of boats to play with. I still think this is a bit overpriced but we will see how it does.
Ever wanted to be a treasure hunter? Well here is your chance. In this game you will be John Sanders, a treasure hunter and experienced diver. Your job is recover many different ships that have are buried near the Medes Islands. There are pirate ships, navy vessels and other assorted boats to look for. We certainly are in a water theme this week.
This is a fairly generic war game for your Wii console. You are part of an elite army unit in this arcade shooter. There are plenty of missions that you will need to perform in this Middle Eastern setting. You will have multiple vehicles to work with including a Blackhawk and a Humvee. There will be multiple military ranks and plenty of weapons along the way. As an option, you will also be able to use the Wii Zapper to thwart your enemies.
Aero the Acrobat was one of those mascots that were created when Sonic did so well back in the Genesis days. Practically cut from the same cloth, Aero performs high level acrobatics as he takes on the madman industrialist Edgar Ektor who has taken over the World of Amusement. You can pass through hoops, ride roller coasters and step on platforms that disappear in the blink of an eye. It wasn’t the best game, but it is an interesting look at video game history.
Blazblue: Continuum Shift
Clash of the Titans
Blazblue: Continuum Shift
Clash of the Titans
Arc Rise Fantasia
Chuck E Cheese Party Games
Harvest Moon: Grand Bazaar
I Love Beauty: Hollywood Makeover
Super Speed Machines
Actually the main release this week isn’t even on the major consoles. It’s actually on the PC and is also known as Star Craft 2: Wings of Liberty. With a huge budget and even greater expectations, Blizzard is looking for this to be a huge seller. There will be tons of upgrade to the gameplay and probably your computer as well if you haven’t seen significant improvement since the first Star Craft. By the way, did you know that the original Starcraft required a P90, 16 megs of ram and only 80 megs of hard drive space?
Anyway, outside of that there are a couple of games worth looking at in the console section. The next installment of Blazblue will feature 4 new characters and continue the previous game’s stories. Look for DLC packs after the fact that will add three more characters along with the usual tweaks. Clash of Titans is also out if you needed something to go along with your DVD or Blu-Ray purchase.
The final game worth noting (not Chuck E Cheese Party Games) is Arc Rise Fantasia. This has been out in Japan for about a year and has done considerably well. On the surface, it appears to be another turn based role playing adventure. However, behind the scenes suggests something very cool. The director of Fantasia is Hiroyuki Kanemaru. He used to work at Telenet Japan and his most recent project involved the Tales of Symphonia.
Now, Telenet Japan for those not in the know was responsible for some of my favorite games of all time, including Gain Ground, Last Alert, Exile, Y’s III and the Valis series. Furthermore, Kanemaru has went on record to say that Arc Rise will be influenced by old school RPG’s on systems like the Turbo Graphx 16. Call me extremely interested as long as it doesn’t require you to wave your Wiimote like a crazy man. $39.99MSRP sounds good to me.
I mentioned Poker Smash last week, and I was still playing it this week as well. I’ve actually improved over last week where my highest score was well under 200k. This week, I achieved 275k and speed level 38. Insane would be a very good word to use for the game at that point. I have received 7 of the 12 achievements including the 5x achievement as well as the one where you have to beat somebody else in multiplayer.
The multiplayer achievement was my first attempt to play the game against somebody else. Little did I know afterwards when looking at his playercard, the man had every single achievement (including the 24x!) with the exception of all hands achievement (which oddly enough I do have). So either 1) I was very lucky and he was having an off day or 2) He took pity on me. I’ll take either one I suppose.
I have also bought everything available with my virtual money at the Poker Smash store. This includes the Puzzle videos which don’t help as much as I hoped. Mainly cause in the videos they are performing maneuvers I don’t even know how to do. So I’m currently stuck on Puzzle 18 and 20. I need one of them to move on to the next group but both have the same similar maneuver.
Anyway, we’ll see how that goes. I’m not sure I can get that much better at the game. I have to avoid playing it before bedtime or else my dreams involve making Poker Smash matches. On other fronts, I did happen to buy this past weekend, the original Assassin’s Creed and Sacred 2 for the Xbox 360. Sacred 2 by the looks of it is a very time consuming role playing game. It also looks like it was inspired by World of Warcraft, maybe that’s what I need to play next. Have a great week kiddoes.
Kedrix of Aldrianian
(*The Forgotten One*)