“I have a surprise for you.”
“Boo.” Don’t be scared, unless you happen to be a delivery guy from UPS or Fed Ex. It’s just me. I’m Baby, and I’m the German Shepherd/Chow that runs security here at Upcomingdiscs. It’s been a while since Gino let me in the theater to review a movie. Something about speaker wires not being chew toys. Anyway…I don’t want to talk about that right now. What I do want to talk about is a movie called Vampire Dog, and this doggie is more of a pain in the neck than a choker collar, and that spells G A G.
There’s this boy whose name is Ace (MacKechnie). His mom just got a new job teaching music at Lugosi Elementary School, and that means he had to leave all of his friends behind and move to a new house and school. It’s sure not fun being the teacher’s pet. Actually, it can be a lot of fun. You see, Gino is a teacher, and I guess you could call me his pet, and I’m having a lot of fun. But it’s different for Ace. His mom keeps writing cute “love ya” messages on his lunch bag. You’d think that a teacher would know that’s one way to get your kid beat up at school. What Ace needs is a dog. He gets one when his grandfather dies and leaves him Fang. Now Fang isn’t your everyday dog, just like me. He’s a 600-year-old vampire dog, and Ace’s family has been caring for him all that time. Now it’s Ace’s turn to have him.
Don’t be too scared of good ol’ Fang. Instead of blood he drinks red Jell-O. They keep calling it jelly in the movie, but that’s ‘cos Gino said Bill Cosby’s boys will do something with their suit if they called it Jell-O. Ace can move really fast. Maybe they should have called him Flash Dog instead. He can be out in the sun a little bit, but it’s not really his favorite thing. (By the way, my favorite thing is my ball.) He sleeps in a collapsible coffin in Ace’s bedroom. He causes the usual havoc at the school.
Ace also happens to be a good drummer. That’s going to come in handy. You see, the school is about to be closed down. But, if they can win a Battle of the Bands competition, they can be called a charter school and stay open. Gino calls this kind of thing contrived. He says it’s a public school, and it’s not like the kids won’t be put in another school if this one closes down. There’s also a girl Ace likes. Her name is Skyler (Stone). She tries to pretend she doesn’t like him so the cool girls will include her in their stuff. There’s also a Dr. Warhol (Matysio) with her assistant Frank (Pederson). They run a cosmetics business and need the blood of a vampire dog to make their wrinkles-be-gone stuff.
The end result is that this is a typical kid movie. The adults are clueless and end up tripping over everything in site. The kids save the day, and Fang manages to stay one step ahead of the bad guys.
There are the usual moral lessons here about bullying and having confidence in yourself. Me, I always have confidence in myself. But, if you’re thinking of delivering a package here, maybe you shouldn’t have so much confidence after all. I’m just saying. It’s all pretty tame. The acting’s not so good. Jodi Sadowsky plays Ace’s mom, and she’s really bad. I haven’t seen acting this bad since a Fed Ex guy pretended he wasn’t scared of you know who.
You gotta love these cheap movies with talking dogs and dumb adults. I guess kids eat this kind of thing up like it was a box full of treats. Then there’s the whole falling-for-the-girl routine. Enough already. Rent it, if you gotta see it, but take my advice. This pup has seen better. “Let’s cut the sweetheart stuff, okay?”