Baby here again. Yeah, I’m that German Shepherd Chow that keeps you UPS/Fed Ex guys on their toes. Now, if only I can figure out a way to keep you on your trucks. I just started a SWAT team here at Upcomingdiscs. That’s right. Whenever I want a treat or to be pet I swat Gino with my paw. It doesn’t always work on the first try, but I believe in the motto: If at first you don’t succeed, swat and swat again. Sometimes it finally works. Other times … well … Let’s not talk about that right now, okay. We have a movie to talk about.
It’s not often I get into the theater to watch movies and review them for you guys. It’s not my fault that the chairs look like huge rawhides. So, I usually am waggin’ my tail hard when I do get the chance. I thought there could never be a movie bad enough to make me wish I hadn’t been invited in. That was before I saw Gabe the Cupid Dog. I have to tell you that I’d rather go to the vet than have to watch this one again. And that spells O U C H.
Let me break it down for you. Gabe’s owner is Eric (Kraus). He’s a pretty happy dog. Eric has a girlfriend, and they’re one big happy family. That is until the couple begins to fight over having human puppies. The girlfriend walks out, and that’s just the beginning of Gabe’s bad day. Eric is brokenhearted and decides to take a job in London for the paper he writes for. It all sounds great to Gabe until he discovers it means six months of quarantine before he can go. In case you don’t know what that means, Gino says it’s like jail except you didn’t do anything wrong. Hey, getting punished when you didn’t do anything? That’s the story of my life. You see there’s these white sheets that come in a single-serving roll and I… I don’t want to talk about that right now.
Gabe decides he’s going to play Cupid and find Eric a mate so that he’ll stay in America. He gets his chance when Eric has one last assignment. He has to find out who the mysterious R.L. Dutton is or he doesn’t get the job. The mystery author has just written the hottest book on the planet, but no one knows who he is. The search leads him and Gabe to their neighbor Sarah (Bliss) and her two kids. She works for the publisher, and Gabe decides she’s the perfect match for Eric. The plotting starts, and the sleeping begins for the audience.
I read that dogs sleep anywhere from 12 to 20 hours a day. There must be a lot of households playing this movie, because I haven’t had this much sleep in ages. Okay, I made that last part up. Of course, I didn’t sleep through the movie. How else could I tell you about it, if I did?
Gabe talks, but not like your traditional talking dog movie. Sure, he talks a little during the film, but most of the time he’s narrating the story or offering some dumb comment. Gino says it’s like listening to an insane commentary track. The problem is that Gabe just talks and talks and talks. Gino says good writers should show you, not tell you. Well, I’m telling you that all Gabe does is tell us. You have none of the zany clueless adults that make human puppies laugh. There’s enough sweetness going on here to put this dog into a diabetic coma. See, I told you I wasn’t sleeping.
There’s no audience for the movie at all. There’s not enough action or comedy to hold the attention of the little ones. The adults will find the film simply mindless. I know these things aren’t intended to be classic movies. But they’re usually a lot better than this one. In fact, I’ve been having these nightmares since I saw this movie. No, not about a world-wide treat shortage. No I wasn’t dreaming about the UPS or Fed Ex guys gettin’ by me. Just one word… sequel. “I don’t like where this is going.”