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If Santa’s making a list, he won’t have to check it twice when it comes to these cheerful little tykes. Lionsgate brings back their popular Ghost House Underground series from last October. The series title likely borrows a bit from the old Grind House Theater that Quentin Tarantino brought back to fashion in the last couple of years. I assume it is intended to denote a horror film that skirts the art house scene. So, how does The Children fit into that mold?

It’s Christmas time in the English countryside. A family has gathered to share some eggnog and Christmas cheer. It’s the typical normal slightly dysfunctional family, and they’re staying in the nice little house in the woods with the children. They definitely drink a lot as the bottle count climbs higher than the bodies after a chainsaw party in Texas. There’s the uncle who wants to get into the pants of his 15 year old niece. Another guy is trying to con his relatives into joining him in a pyramid scheme to smuggle illegal Chinese medicines into the country. But at least the kids are a cheerful bunch. That is, until they appear to contract some kind of a disease that has them spitting up tons of creamy green mucus. Soon the children begin to exhibit aggressive behavior, and before you know it they’re slicin’ and dicin’ their way through the paper mulch snow.

“What is sacrifice? What does it mean to make a real difference?”

What do Al Gore and horror films have in common? To begin with both have been making money trying to scare the crap out of you. The second is that the plot of The Thaw sounds like it could have been penned by Captain Al himself. Lionsgate brings back their popular Ghost House Underground series from last October. The series title likely borrows a bit from the old Grind House Theater that Quentin Tarantino brought back to fashion in the last couple of years. I assume it is intended to denote a horror film that skirts the art house scene. So, how does The Thaw fit into that mold?

What do a messy divorce and a clan of flesh eating cannibals have in common? Well, in both cases someone gets their heart eaten out. They also share plot points in Offspring. Lionsgate brings back their popular Ghost House Underground series from last October. The series title likely borrows a bit from the old Grind House Theater that Quentin Tarantino brought back to fashion in the last couple of years. I assume it is intended to denote a horror film that skirts the art house scene. So, how does Offspring fit into that mold?

If you’re looking for a plot, you really shouldn’t look at this one too closely. It’s more of a set up and then let the cannibal carnage begin. After a quick scare shot we’re introduced to a young family who live in a relatively isolated house in Dead River County, Maine. A friend has arrived with her young son on the run from an abusive husband who was about to get served his divorce papers today. Of course, he’s not taking it lying down, and phones to say he’s on his way. Mom’s got a restraining order, so the solution here is an easy one. Call the local cops. Unfortunately the local police already have their hands full. Another family has just been massacred. It seems an old trouble has returned to Dead River County. Enter former Sheriff George Chandler (Art Hindle). (To make things more complicated, the character’s name was apparently changed from George Peters. So, if you look up the character on the IMDb, that’s what you’ll get.) Chandler was Sheriff 11 years ago when he faced a nomadic clan of cannibals that rained down some serious carnage in the small county. He took care of ‘bidness and thought he sent them all to cannibal heaven. Now it seems there were survivors who had worked their way up to Canada and have returned for dessert. What remains of the clan are mostly young children and barely adults. Play ball.