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Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 16th, 2004

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Synopsis

King Arthur (Trevor Howard) is disgusted with the decadent state of his court. During abanquet, as the once great knights are berated by their king, a mysterious Green Knight (SeanConnery) storms in. He challenges anyone to chop of his head, as long as he gets the secondblow. No one takes up the gauntlet but Gawain (Miles O’Keeffe), a young squire. Knighted forhis bravery, Gawain decapitates the Green Knight, who then promptly screws his own head backon. He doesn’t kill Gaw…
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Vampire Effect

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 16th, 2004

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Synopsis

Vampire slayer Reeve takes on a new partner in a young woman named Gypsy. As Reevetrains Gypsy in the art of killing the undead (of which there seems to be a constant plague),Reeve’s sister Helen is starting up a new relationship with Kazef, who just happens to be theFifth Prince of Vampires. Kazef is a nice enough sort, however, limiting himself to bottled blood,and genuinely in love with Helen. Unfortunately, the Duke, a European vampire, is killing offthe other royal families, g…
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Grapes of Wrath, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 15th, 2004

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Synopsis

Henry Fonda is Tom Joad, returning home after serving four years in prison for killing aman. He arrives to find the farms of Oklahoma devastated by drought, and all the familiesdispossessed of their land. He and his family become part of the great migration from the DustBowl to the Eden of California. There they face exploitation, persecution and misery, andFonda’s rage at the injustice grows.

John Steinbeck’s enormous novel found a stunning screen incarnation in th…
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Sand

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 13th, 2004

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Synopsis

Michael Vartan plays Tyler Briggs, a man who separates from his redneck family in order to leave the past behind him and start a new life for himself. Following the passing of his mother, his father tries to re-establish contact with him and tracks him to his new home, a secluded beach town where he spent time as a child. Accompanying his father are his law breaking brothers who continue their lawless ways after Tyler decides not to return to their ways. They assault his girlfriend and bruta…
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Cyborg 009 – Uncut & Unedited

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 13th, 2004

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Cyborg 009 (pronounced zero zero nine, not double oh nine) is a show about a group of people who are half-human and half-robot – a.k.a. cyborgs. Abducted and experimented on against their will, these cyborgs are revolting against the person who made them, the evil Black Ghost.

This show has the look of an old fashion anime program. Based on a manga strip that started in 1969, the character designs are from that era, with exaggerated facial features (most evidently big noses), sleek lines and big feet. B…
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Comic Book – The Movie

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 13th, 2004

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Following in the tradition of This Is Spinal Tap, Mark Hamill’s Comic Book: The Movie is a “mockumentary” that delves into the lives of those obsessed by comics and those that try to make money off of these people i.e. heartless Hollywood types who want to cash into the comic book craze by bastardizing a classic comic book hero into a major Hollywood blockbuster. Hosted by longtime comic geek Donald Swann (Hamill), this new ‘documentary’ shows the evolution of legendary character Commander Courage. Orig…
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Tully

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 12th, 2004

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Film

While walking in a junkyard, a character says, “This place has a lot of treasures.” That statement could also be used to describe one of the many powerful scenes that are treasures in this film. Not that this film is anything close to a junkyard. Nominated for a few Independent Spirit Awards in major categories, Tully is a moving film that uses several wonderfully understated performances to tell its story about a troubled family.

On a Nebraska farm, patriarch Tully Coates, Sr. (Bob B…
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Playboys, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 12th, 2004

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Synopsis

Robin Wright is Tara. Not only is she the most beautiful woman in her small village, she isalso a single mother, which means some tough sledding in the Ireland of 1957. She is turned onand persecuted by the community, even as the men lust after her. Constable Albert Finney isparticularly obsessed with winning her, and he doesn’t take it well at all when she falls for AidanQuinn, who arrives with an itinerant band of actors.

There are plenty of serious topics being d…
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Dracula’s Curse

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 12th, 2004

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Synopsis

Jonathan Harker, his fiancee Mina and their friends are partying it up in Budapest when anone Vlad Tepes makes them an offer they can’t refuse. Lured by the dollar signs, Harker hieshimself off to Rumania to the castle of Count Tepes. The Count, of course, is exactly who youthink he is, and soon he and an Italian version of Dr. Van Helsing are locked in a familiarbattle.

In its broad lines, the film is actually quite faithful to Stoker’s novel. The characters’nati…
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School of Rock

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 11th, 2004

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Jack Black has mainly played smaller bit parts in movies and the problem has always been that whenever he is on screen he steals the show. He has had a starring role in one film (Shallow Hal) but as you will quickly learn from this film they kept him on a pretty short leash. This guy is on overdrive whenever there is a camera anywhere within a hundred feet.

Jack Black is Dewey Finn the down on his luck wannabe rock god. His roommate’s new girlfriend threatens to kick Dewey out if he doesn’t come up with som…
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Miner’s Massacre

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 11th, 2004

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A miner from the Gold Rush days of ’49 comes back to life to terrorize a group of youngsters. Sound familiar? Yeah… vaguely sounds like that Scooby Doo episode with the Miner 49er. Alas… I’m not talking about Rooby Roo himself. The movie is Miner’s Massacre. And I would advise eating a whole pouch of Scooby snacks before watching this abomination.

Indeed, the movie is about an old miner that comes back to life to haunt whoever takes his “gold”. Of course, there is a gaggle of young kids re…
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Big Bounce, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 11th, 2004

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Synopsis

Ryan O’Neal, in a spectacular bit of miscasting, is a drifter with an explosive temper. He isback from Vietnam, moving from job to job. After getting himself fired from a cucumberplantation, he is taken on as a handyman at a motel. He is fascinated by the plantation owner’s“secretary” (Leigh Taylor-Young), and she is just a bad, bad girl. Her quest for kicks lead togreater and greater risk and danger, and O’Neal, smitten, follows along, getting in over hishead.

Th…
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On Edge

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 11th, 2004

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Synopsis

Mimicking the format of Spellbound, On Edge introduces us to a group offigure skating hopefuls. The principles are Veda, an ice queen driven by her imperious bitch-on-wheels mother; Wendy, overweight but very talented and desperate for attention; and J.C., thecynical, self-taught trailer trash. These three triumph in the local competition, and move on tothe regionals, shooting for the coveted Golden Horn.

The figure skating scene is so ripe for parody,…
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Beyond Borders

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 10th, 2004

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Synopsis

In 1984, Angelina Jolie has just married into English society when a charity ball she isattending is crashed by Clive Owen, who rails against phony, self-serving gestures towardsforeign aid. Stung, Jolie travels to Ethiopia to work with Owen at a refugee camp during thefamine. She finds her calling. The film then jumps forward, and we see Jolie periodically leavingEngland and her failing marriage to travel to a hot spot (Cambodia, Chechnya). Each time, herrelationship with …
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Rapid Exchange

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 9th, 2004

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Synopsis

After a museum heist goes awry, Lorenzo Lamas works off his debt to Lance Henriksen bysigning on as part of a team for an even bigger job: stealing $250 million from a 747 in mid-flight. We follow the team of expert thieves prepare for heist, and then the big event goes down.But Lamas doesn’t trust everybody he’s working with, and he is right not to.

Remember the heist that kick-starts the action in Cliffhanger? That’s pretty muchwhat you have here, only now that job…
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Dark Waters

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 9th, 2004

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Synopsis

An ocean floor lab is attacked by intelligent sharks. Subsequently, sleazy oceanographer con-artist Lorenzo Lamas and partner-in-crime Simmone Jade MacKinnon (she of the extremelyshaky American accent) are forcefully recruited by the man Lamas blames for the death of hisfather. They are forced to take Lamas’ private sub down to the lab. Everything goes wrong, andin the wake of another shark attack, the survivors are picked up by a US sub commanded by alunatic. The sub is the headqu…
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Tempted

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 9th, 2004

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I’ve found a new crime genre: New Orleans noir. I’ve seen a few of these in the past month. The films seem to be about the flawed people of Louisiana (the Pelican State, by the way) and center around steamy murders and love affairs. All made with a certain bayou charm. Tempted is another movie that fits this pattern. It has all the makings of a guilty pleasure.

Tempted stars, Stroker Ace himself, Burt Reynolds as a well known New Orleans business magnate who hires a young stud employee (…
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Deep Shock

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 8th, 2004

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Synopsis

A rift has opened in the ocean floor beneath the Acrtic ice cap, melting the ice andthreatening to flood much of the world. (Never mind that this wouldn’t happen: this is a moviewhere we see ice sink, just like in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.) The solution,ordered by some sort of world government cabal of the G8 at the “United Nations CommandCenter” (riiiiight) is to nuke the rift. Somehow, this will make everything all better. It turns out,however, that the rift …
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Cold Vengeance

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 8th, 2004

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Jimmy Coy is some kind of freelance operative, specializing in explosives and enforcement,for organized crime. He is ashamed of his line of work, however, and wants out. He and his twobuddies are hired but a sneering, Snidely Whiplash villain to torch an arena full of spectators.Jimmy refuses to cause any casualities, but our villain won’t take no for an answer. Meanwhile,Jimmy falls in love with Cassandra, the stepdaughter of one of the head thugs. Cassandra is hersister’s skating coach, which means that w…
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Vampire Clan

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 8th, 2004

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Vampire Clan is supposedly based on a true story. The film revolves around the actions of a teenage Vampire cult in a small American town. The clan gets involved in murder and mayhem, and the movie is supposed to be all the more chilling because it’s based on real life events. Not necessarily, it still has to be scary.

Drew Fuller plays Rod, the Manson like leader of this Vampire clan. Fuller has some natural charm, but isn’t diabolic enough. Kelly Kruger is the teenage runaway Heather, and she als…
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Angels Don’t Sleep Here

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 8th, 2004

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Angels Don’t Sleep Here is the stuff of crime melodrama: long forgotten murders, revenge, twin brothers, and corrupt public officials. It’s a mild foray into the genre. The film knows the notes but not the music; but the actors, or the instruments, (if we continue the music metaphor) really save the day.

Dana Ashbrook (from Twin Peaks) plays a forensic specialist who returns to an unnamed city to start poking around about his long lost twin brother. The trail leads to a DA (Kelly Rutherford)…
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Crazy as Hell

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 6th, 2004

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Synopsis

Michael Beach plays Ty Adams, a psychiatrist whose ego and belief in his methods is hardlyshaken by the deaths, after unsuccessful treatment, of his wife and daughter. He arrives at anmental hospital (whose name you should watch for as it blinks past) headed up by a skepticalRonny Cox. Beach will be filmed 24/7 for the purposes of a documentary as he treats a groupof patients over a few weeks. A particular challenge arrives in the person of Eriq La Salle,who claims to be Satan hims…
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M-3D The Movie / The Playmates

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 6th, 2004

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Synopsis

M-3D purports to be a parody of MTV, which is hardly likely, given that the film, inits original form, was made in 1976. Actually Lollipop Girls in Hard Candy, this is apainful slog combining aphrodisiac lollipops with extra footage involving ancient Greek soldiersdoing sad Three Stooges routines. No, it makes no sense. No, it isn’t funny. And with obviouscuts to the sex scenes, the waste of your life is complete.

The Playmates is even more resi…
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Hamilton Mattress

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 6th, 2004

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Synopsis

Sludgers is an aardvark who dreams of being attractive, and of wearing some truly finetrousers. Sludgers also has a terrific sense of rhythm and percussion. Discovered by a caterpillartalent agent, Sludgers is taken to the big city, renamed “Hamilton Mattress,” and is hired to playthe drums behind the scenes while a handsome but untalented bird mimes the gestures. WhenSludgers gets carried away with his drums and almost literally brings the house down, will hislooks stand i…
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Good Son, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 6th, 2004

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Synopsis

After the death of his mother, Elijah Wood is left with his uncle’s family while dad DavidMorse takes off for two weeks to settle their future. Uncle has two children: a little girl and anolder boy Wood’s age: Macaulay Culkin. Behind Culkin’s angelic visage, naturally, lurks thesoul of a devil. Wood suspects the evil, but no one will believe him, and so he is left alone totry to stop the increasingly deadly games his cousin is playing.

Director Joseph P. Ruben made …
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