Posted in: Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on July 7th, 2009
“Believe me, that weren’t no shark.”
Sea Beast began life with the title Troglodyte, but I’m not sure what that had to do with anything on this movie. Perhaps someone just thought it was a clever name, but realizing they didn’t have a clever film to go with it, they decided on the more mundane Sea Beast. Whatever the reason and whatever the title, nothing can change the fact that this is one really bad horror film.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on July 6th, 2009
“Out here the rules are different.”
Corporate retreats have come a long way from the closed door seminars where you’re asked to fall backwards and trust your colleagues to catch you. Well… the backwards part still applies, but here that describes the locals at the isolated camp where 8 hapless video game company executives are planning a weekend of paintball and bonding. These locals are straight out of Deliverance. (Insert your favorite banjo lick here.)
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on May 27th, 2009
Infected is one of those many made for television films that appear on the Sci-Fi, I mean Sy-Fy Channel almost weekly, I mean weakly. Most of them are relatively low budget affairs that utilize very low grade CG f/x and often actors that haven’t been getting a lot of steady work in the legitimate world. It amazes me, actually. How can a network dedicated to science fiction consistently produce some of the worst movies in the genre? You would think that after a hundred of these things that they would have to get it right once in a while. The law of averages almost demands it. Instead, week to week, month to month, and year to year, the worst the genre has to offer finds its way as “original” movies on the network.
Infected is a sort of V meets The Arrival. A band of evil aliens have arrived on Earth to help them to repopulate their species. The somehow arrive at the idea they can best do this by setting up a bottled water company and selling humans plague tainted water. Of course, no one catches on, and the company grows to conglomerate size in no time. Enter a pair of reporters. Ben (Bellows) and Lisa (Roy). Of course, they used to be an item and now have trust issues working together on a tabloid. When the mayor is killed, a sample of his blood is retrieved and finds its way to the couple. Tests prove it is some wacked out hemoglobin. The clues eventually lead to the bottling company and its boss, Peter Whitefield (Dinsmore) who is actually a big insect under his fake human skin. The plot unravels and Ben discovers he has a natural immunity which he can use to fight off those pesky grasshopper things. And we all live happily ever after. Naturally, there’s a government cover up. Invasion? What invasion? We know nothing about no stinkin’ invasion?
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on May 2nd, 2009
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Michael Durr on April 20th, 2009
Writing or directing a fighting movie is kinda like booking a wrestling card. In theory, you need to create a strong but flawed babyface who is fighting for a cause or fallen friend. The antagonist or main heel is usually completely evil and has the face of being completely untouchable. But in order to build up this reputation, he must also go through some minor good guys to get over his image. In addition, the babyface must go over minor bad guys to do the same exact thing. In the end, you create a hero who comes in to save the day and vanquishes the victim. Street Warrior is one of those movies that follows this script by the book and makes for some decent excitement while the movie is at it.
The Gauntlet has claimed another victim. Joey Campbell (played by Brandon Quinn) has fallen at the hands of Isaiah Griffin (played by Sidney S. Liufau) and is now in a coma at the local hospital. His brother, Jack (played by Max Martini) has been discharged from the army for beating the crap out of a superior officer (no reason is given). He comes home and breaks up a robbery of a local convenience store where his friend Maggie (played by Valerie Cruz) works. However, once he gets to his brother’s house and is treated to his sister-in-law Sarah’s (played by Erin Cottrell) tearful embrace, he realizes something is very wrong.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Michael Durr on April 13th, 2009
Bradford May, oh Bradford May. I have a good history of watching movies directed by Mr. May from a couple of Darkman sequels to the more recent Ring of Death. His style is pure popcorn and an attitude of leave your brain cells by the door. It is only fitting that I was interested in seeing another flick with his name on it. This one was called Mask of the Ninja. Right away, it sounded like a classic Bradford May movie. However, after watching it, I realized that Bradford had broken some laws in his production. He had broken the sacred five rules of portraying a ninja.
Danny (played by Dominic Rains ) is a cop impersonating a typical street punk who pushes illegal drugs. He gets caught wearing a wire when an undercover cop playing the guitar for the local band makes the save. His name is Detective Jack Barrett (played by Casper Van Dien). In the middle of the arrest, Danny gets a call from his girlfriend: Miko (played by Kristy Wu) who sounds like she is in dire trouble. Jack takes the call instead and decides to investigate what exactly is going on.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on February 19th, 2009
Made-for-TV crapper Depth Charge, a new action film starring Jason Gedrick and that B-movie slut brother of Julia Eric Roberts, hits DVD with a bare bones release you will welcome, if by chance, you happen to work for Upcoming Discs and want to get your next bad movie project over with as quickly as possible.All others may find it difficult mustering enthusiasm for what is essentially an ultra-low budget remake of Die Hard on a submarine.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on February 17th, 2009
Daniel’s Daughter comes to DVD with star Laura Leighton back in the spotlight. Unfortunately, it’s a pretty dim spotlight. Fans of Melrose Place may be happy to see her, but that happiness will be short-lived when they also realize what a flat-lined EKG her film turns out to be.It seems as though the emotional pulses of this film never rise above comatose, relating a love story that doesn’t deliver and characters that were dead on arrival with the first page of the script. Something feels off about the whole affair. The sets are gorgeous. The actors are capable. The story appears heartfelt. But that’s before it’s all set in motion. Overly melodramatic and flatly rendered, Daniel’s Daughter is a made-for-television movie in the worst sense of the term, whether it wants to be or not.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on February 4th, 2009
Meerkat Manor is back for a fourth season on DVD. You’re invited back into the South African desert with the famous Whiskers Clan. Animal Planet has themselves a relatively big hit here with Meerkat Manor. OK, so, it’s not exactly The Sopranos or The Shield, but it does have a modestly dedicated audience. Seems that folks just can’t get enough of these fur balls. They’ve set up blogs and websites dedicated to the antics of the celebrated Whiskers. If you like them and are dying to see what these lil’ guys are up to next, wait no longer. Fast on the heels of the prequel film, The Story Begins, Meerkat Manor is here again. Of course, all of this is strictly in the interest of scientific study. Sure it is! Don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul.
Stockard Channing takes over the narration duties from Sean Astin. She’s a bit more playful and often more dramatic, but I have to admit I was partial to Astin. Expect more of the same here. Kidnapped kids to missing Commandos and, of course, the annual loss of a beloved character. It’s all par for the course on Meerkat Manor. I have to admit that as cute as these little guys are, it’s all starting to run together for me. I can’t remember which character is which or who belongs to which tribe. Maybe it’s about time to close the books on the fur balls from the African desert.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on January 28th, 2009
The Great Polar Bear Adventure is indoctrination pure and simple. Disguised as a warm and fuzzy nature show in the realm of Meerkat Manor and its like, this film has really only one theme.: Humans are very bad creatures, for the most part. It follows the plight of a family of polar bears who can no longer find the frozen ice river floes that provide them with tasty seal meat. The reason, of course, is what the bears call the two legs. Somehow the bears know that it is the two legs that are causing the winter to grow shorter and the ice flows to disappear earlier every year. Of course, for the last two years ice floes have returned to normal, but let’s not confuse the issue with the facts. Eventually the bears are driven closer to a two leg settlement where they are forced to rummage through trash piles in order to survive. Eventually one of the rare good two legs darts them and takes them further north where they can roam and survive…for now.
Whatever your politics, I would hope that the idea of using children’s entertainment to push an agenda would not be why you might buy a video for the kids. There are plenty of good programs out there, so that it doesn’t seem necessary to have to have a conversation with your kids to explain why humans are so evil. Not the message I would want to send to children. Sure, the bears are cute and the CG animators did a great job of making it look like they were actually speaking. I don’t even mind a moral or a good message at the end of a kid’s show, but I assure you that you will find this program heavy handed.
