Studio

Good Eeeeevening, Mistress Noms here with a spooky review to add to the “31 Nights of Terror” countdown we have going here in the dungeon of Upcomingdiscs.com! -digs into her bag of tricks (provided by the head dungeon master of Upcomingdiscs.com)- What do we have here, what do we have here... A Blu-ray copy of The Blair Witch Project!? This is the scariest thing you could come up with? Oyie! Perhaps it is true what they say... Terror can come in many forms... including a really terrible movie! Grab your choice of poison and hop into my hearse (Sure... I have some... candy... around here somewhere...) we are going for a ride! -drives off in a fit of madness, cackling out her window-

I remember when the Blair Witch Project first came out. There was all this fuss about how it was a REAL documentary, all the footage was REAL, and how three film students REALLY went missing. Ha, how naive some people can be! There was even a special on Sci-Fi making it seem all real and mysterious! Oooooo Spooky! Not really, but let's just pretend for a while, shall we? And like anything else, things were leaked onto the interwebs, and people got to talking. The actors showed up on some special on MTV (Possibly it was on that “news” thing they do on there, it was a while ago) and bam, killed a good promotion they had going. Too bad too, I wanted to see it in theaters before they revealed it was indeed just a movie.

"58 full-length episodes. 585 classic sketches. On 18 discs."

There hasn't been a show quite like Human Target on television. There are certainly action shows, and there have been many shows that have taken on the "private" bodyguard or dedicated do-gooder. But I haven't seen a series yet that managed to capture the kind of action that you only find in big-budget feature films on the smaller scale and more limited budget of television. That is, until I saw the 12 episodes of the first season of Human Target. I remember seeing a huge advertisement blitz around the time of the Super Bowl, but I've seen a ton of these dramatic previews that only seemed to lose the sizzle over the course of a season, or even a single episode.

Christopher Chance (Valley) has a mysterious past. We get the idea he was a paid assassin for some sinister organization. He, at some point, has had a change of heart. It's an incident that is only hinted at until the final episode of the season. He now works with former San Francisco detective Winston (McBride). They provide protection services for people who find themselves in danger or in need of being rescued. They function outside of the normal boundaries of the law. Winston has some pretty impressive connections that allow them to have access to sensitive information. These connections also come in handy during a pinch. Many of these people are folks that they had already protected at some point in the past. The team is often assisted by Guerrero (Haley). He is another former bad guy from Chance's old organization. Their old boss is trying to track down Chance. We don't completely understand the relationship Chance had with his boss, but we know that they were close and the Boss considered it a personal betrayal when he left the company. We know that the falling out involved a woman named Katherine, and she's a source of great guilt for Chance. Of course, much of this will be revealed in the last episode of the season.

Charlie Sheen is an unlikely actor to star in a television sit-com. Even after watching the show, I’m not sure how anyone came up with the idea in the first place. He has little to no comedic timing, and he’s about as funny as a funeral. The thing that works here, however, is that he really doesn’t need to be all that funny to make this show work. Sheen pretty much deadpans his entire performance, which generously enough works rather well teamed with the more manic comedy of Jon Cryer. Throw into the mix a rather extraordinary young child actor in Angus T. Jones, and suddenly a show that looks terrible on paper turns out to be pretty dang funny. We’re not talking Fred Sanford funny, but I caught myself laughing far more often than I expected to. I had only caught the show before in bits and pieces and was never all that fond of what I saw. Watching these DVD episodes from the third season shed some new light on the show for me.

Charlie Harper (Sheen) is your typical womanizing bachelor. He’s got plenty of coin because he writes those annoying jingles you hear on commercials. He also happens to go through plenty of women. He’s got a swank place on the beach, and life is pretty much one big party until his brother Alan (Cryer) shows up on his doorstep along with his son Jake (Jones). In typical Felix Unger/Oscar Madison style, Alan’s been kicked out by his wife of 12 years and needs a place to stay for “just a little while”. Of course, Alan’s lifestyle is drastically different from Charlie’s. He’s got the responsibility of raising his son, and he’s rather obsessive-compulsive. As I’ve already mentioned, there is no escaping the obvious Odd Couple revival at work here, down to the slob vs. the neat-freak mentalities. Here we add the presence of an impressionable child. Most of the best laughs come when Charlie is trying to educate young Jake to his own philosophies of life. Naturally Alan considers him a bad influence, but then again, he is a guest in Charlie’s house. Helping to spread the humor out a bit, we get some great supporting work by Holland Taylor, who plays the boys’ smothering mother. Every good sit-com needs the nosy or pesky next door neighbor, and Melanie Lynskey fits the bill as the rapid staler, Rose. Some ethnic humor is provided by bossy housekeeper Berta, played by sit-com veteran Conchata Ferrell. New to the cast in season three is April Bowlby as the brainless Kandi dating Alan. As a particular treat, we get a visit from Charlie’s real life padre; Martin Sheen is an extremely off-the-wall character, the guys’s… what else… dad. If all of this sounds a bit complicated, it really isn’t. My best advice is not to ask too many questions, and enjoy the ride.

There were a lot of changes in store for the Bunkers in the seventh season. The Jeffersons, long a source of irritation for Archie and a ton of laughs for us, moved to their own show, on up to the East Side and that big de-luxe apartment in the sky. Mike and Gloria finally move out of the house, but only as far as next door in the vacated Jefferson home. Most importantly, little baby Joey joins the family. New characters would join the show in the seventh season. It's been a rough ride for the Bunkers, to be sure. The series was first released through Fox for three seasons. Sony took over the releases for the next three seasons. Finally Shout Factory has stepped up and has taken over the release chores for this classic comedy.

It’s perhaps a sad commentary on the level of political correctness that Archie Bunker could never have graced network primetime in 2010. Archie was ignorant and an incredibly vocal bigot. Archie was an equal-opportunity bigot. He didn’t just hate certain minorities … he hated everybody who wasn’t white blue-collar protestant. Carroll O’Connor, who brilliantly portrayed Archie, was without a doubt one of the best actors to grace a network sit-com. Just watch his eyes and you’ll understand. All in the Family holds a record for spin-off series. The Jeffersons, Maude, Good Times, and Archie Bunker’s Place are just a few of the highly successful shows that owe their roots to All In The Family. Rob Reiner, Meathead, has since followed in his father Carl Reiner’s footsteps as a highly-acclaimed producer.

In the opening scenes of Gunless, a horse trots into what appears to be a tiny western town. Atop the horse is an unconscious man, slumped backwards in the saddle with a noose around his neck attached to a large tree branch that drags along behind them. An iconic Western opening if ever there was one. Reminiscent of Clint Eastwood in High Plains Drifter or Hang ‘em High. However, things soon begin to stray from formula when we realize that this tiny town is actually in "The Dominion of Canada" and the man turns out to be the Montana Kid, a notorious American gunfighter.

The ‘Kid’ is soon helped out by a polite bunch of Canadians, and before you can say “American stereotype” he has tried to start a gunfight with the kind local blacksmith. The reason? Why, the blacksmith had the gall to shoe the Kid’s horse. Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you are the blacksmith) he has no gun and therefore, according to the code of the West, can’t be shot. The solution? Why, the Kid will get the blacksmith a gun. But since this is Canada, there are no guns in the area, except for a broken antique owned by the local Brit-accented hottie widow.

So Troll 2 hits Blu-ray. That fact is as sure a sign of the coming Apocalypse as any I can think of, and, at the very least, must threaten the entire Blu-ray format with destruction, as judgment rains down from the hands of an angry God. If, Gentle Reader, you come to this review without any foreknowledge of the film, and are actually wondering if a movie called Troll 2 might be good, then please run as fast as you can and hide. Or at the very least, please watch the legendary YouTube clip appended below. What, you're still here? Don't say you weren't warned.

I'm risking my immortal soul by writing any kind of a synopsis of this film, but here goes. Little Josh (Michale Stephenson) is regularly visited by the rather cranky ghost of his grandfather, who warns him about the dangers posed by goblins (yes, this is a movie called Troll 2 that features goblins instead of trolls – already a dire omen). Josh's family heads off into the countryside for a pioneer-style holiday. Less than happy to be on the trip is teenage daughter Holly (Connie McFarland), whose callow boyfriend Elliot (Jason Wright) was supposed to come along, but was late. Elliot and his equally idiotic friends are now trying to catch up under their own steam. Our characters arrive in the town of Nilbog, where the residents turn out to be goblins in disguise. Their dastardly plans involve transforming the people into vegetable hybrids, and then eating them.

Open Water:

An over-worked couple (Blanchard Ryan and Daniel Travis) whose marriage, while not in danger, has clearly reached some difficult shoals, head off on a diving vacation. A mix-up (which is disturbingly credible) results in the tour ship leaving them behind. Stuck in the middle of the ocean, they float together, hoping against hope for rescue, growing cold and hungry. And then there is the marine life. Like stinging jellyfish. And sharks…

As mentioned before, reviewing television series can be very rewarding since I don’t watch as much television as I used too. I’ve found series that I never knew existed until the discs showed up in my mailbox. One of these great series is named Legend of the Seeker. I was fortunate enough to review the first season and it got great marks. So, I was even more delighted to see the second season hit my hands as well. This might be the final season for the show but let’s hope they saved the best for last.

So boys and girls, do you remember what happened in the first season? Well the Seeker, Richard Cypher (played by Craig Horner) defeated the evil Darken Rahl (played by Craig Parker) and sent him to the underworld. There will be much rejoicing and celebrating now that the lands are free and maybe finally the people can live in peace. Or will they? *insert dramatic music here*.

"You are what they eat."

In 1964 Herschell Gordon Lewis brought us the classic gore-fest Two Thousand Maniacs. It was pretty much like all of his films. It was generous on the naked babes and the blood. Lewis was one of the pioneers of the slasher film and was producing low-budget gore films long before they were popular in the mainstream. The man continues to be a legend in the genre. It's been a long time since an original Lewis film has been released, but his influence can be felt everywhere in the genre. So, when I first heard about a "sequel", of sorts, being prepared by Tim Sullivan, I was intrigued, to say the least. This could either be a ton of fun or a complete disaster.