“31 Nights of Terror” The Blair Witch Project (Blu-ray)

Good Eeeeevening, Mistress Noms here with a spooky review to add to the “31 Nights of Terror” countdown we have going here in the dungeon of Upcomingdiscs.com! -digs into her bag of tricks (provided by the head dungeon master of Upcomingdiscs.com)- What do we have here, what do we have here… A Blu-ray copy of The Blair Witch Project!? This is the scariest thing you could come up with? Oyie! Perhaps it is true what they say… Terror can come in many forms… including a really terrible movie! Grab your choice of poison and hop into my hearse (Sure… I have some… candy… around here somewhere…) we are going for a ride! -drives off in a fit of madness, cackling out her window-

I remember when the Blair Witch Project first came out. There was all this fuss about how it was a REAL documentary, all the footage was REAL, and how three film students REALLY went missing. Ha, how naive some people can be! There was even a special on Sci-Fi making it seem all real and mysterious! Oooooo Spooky! Not really, but let’s just pretend for a while, shall we? And like anything else, things were leaked onto the interwebs, and people got to talking. The actors showed up on some special on MTV (Possibly it was on that “news” thing they do on there, it was a while ago) and bam, killed a good promotion they had going. Too bad too, I wanted to see it in theaters before they revealed it was indeed just a movie.

Day one and we start off this train wreck by meeting some folks. First we meet our filmmakers, Heather Donahue, Joshua Leonard, and Michael C. Williams. They pack up some cameras and supplies, and head out for Maryland. When they get to Burkittsville, they interview some townsfolk about what they know about the Blair Witch. Here you meet some interesting characters. One woman claims to have been visited by the Blair Witch, a VERY hairy Blair Witch. Here you learn a little about an old resident hermit named Rustin Parr. A man who killed and tortured 7 children in his home out in the woods, in a very gruesome and disturbing kind of way. Parr claims to have done it because of a ghost of a woman told him to do it. Who could this ghostly woman be?! The Blair Witch?!? Ooooooo! Spooky!! (Come on, at least I am trying…)

Day two! Let’s take a hike into said creepy woods! A pair of fishermen warn the deadly trio that the woods are haunted. I love the ones comment, something to the effect of kids will never learn. So they head into the woods anyways (I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for those snooping kids!) and start their hike toward Coffin Rock, where some men were ritually murdered. Yeah sign me up for that hike. -sarcasm- They set up camp, and on to the next day. Despite not actually knowing where they are on the handy dandy map, they hike further into the woods, where they find 7 small piles of rocks that look like cairns. Time to set up camp again, but lets go back to the rock piles after dark with our cameras. One of them knocks over one, and Heather fixes it. They are awoken by sounds outside the tent. But after a bit of discussing, they decide its either animals or locals that came to scare them off. Either way, back to sleepy.

Ok, finally they have had enough of the woods and decide to go back to their car, and go home. One problem… they are lost. Lots and LOTS of arguing follows (get used to hearing them yell at each other) and it is gonna be dark soon. They set up camp and soon it is the same shenanigans as the night before. They attempt to go out and try to find the noises, but they cant find anything. So back to sleep they go. The next morning they wake up to find three rock piles outside their tent. They want to leave but… Where is the map?! They argue some more and Mike eventually fesses up to having kicked it into the creek out of frustration the day before. (This is the point in time where I drown Mike in the creek he kicked the map into) Oh well, we will just head South, right into a ton of these odd stick formations hanging all over the trees. OMFG THERE ARE STICKS IN THE WOODS! No… no… not sticks!?!?!? I can handle being lost but there are freakin sticks in the woods!!! Fess up! Who put these here?! Was it YOU tree?! I am watching you tree…. VERY closely!

Well after that, we need some sleep. They set up camp yet again after getting nowhere, especially with no map. That night they again… yes AGAIN, hear the same noises, but let’s add in what sounds like small children. Then something starts violently shaking the tent, they run out to seek shelter outside till dawn. When they return, their stuff is strewed all over the place, and Josh’s stuff is covered in slime. As the day wears on, they come to a point they know they have already crossed, despite going South all day. They set up camp, and in the AM, Josh is gone, but all of his stuff is still there. Heather and Mike search all day for Josh, but cannot find him. Where did he go?! He left and is making US carry all his junk! How fair is that?! We are tired and hungry, and now we got all this extra crap to carry! Oh how sleepy I have become… let’s set up camp. What happens next?

I have major issues with this movie. The major thing being how unrealistic it is. I know, I know, its a movie, but still. Even in 1994, a GPS was not unreasonable. Not only that, but how about common sense? They didnt pack enough food, but they had enough cigarettes? They also only packed one copy of the map? Not to mention not nearly enough light for the dark, but plenty of battery power for the cameras? They run around the woods with no care to tree limbs or animals, but at one point they think its animals outside their tent at night? And! I wont even go into my issues with the end. It is a non-stop fight fest… The first time you hear them yell at each other, get used to it. You have at least another hour of them fighting and swearing at each other. But that is ok, you are prolly swearing at yourself by now for watching this mess instead of It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! Which is MUCH scarier than this.

Video

The video is presented in 1.33:1 Fullscreen. This movie looks exactly how a movie shot with a hand held camera would look. Lots of shaky camera, grain type stuff, and even when they try to break that up with the black and white… it is still not very pretty. You see a lot of scenes where it goes from extreme light, to extreme dark. But for what it is supposed to be, which is a documentary, shot by some kids in the woods with hand held cameras, its what it should look like. Just don’t expect the Bluray to bring a better picture quality, because it clearly does not.

Audio

The sound is in DTS-HD 2.0 English. Well, this movie sounds like well… a movie shot with a hand held camera. You have lots of high and low points. Places where you cant hear a thing, and the next minute, some random sound or argument between the group is blasted right into your face. This is particularly annoying when they are running through the woods, blabbing about some sounds that are being made, and you cant hear a thing without turning your sound WAY up, but by the time you do, the people are back to yelling, and you get a nice blast to the face with “ZOMG THERE ARE ROCKS IN THE WOODS!”… Yeah. Keep your remote handy. Subtitles are for the English and Spanish people.

Special Features

• Previews: Lionsgate BluRay, Stars of The Expendables
• Director and Producer Commentary: Lets get 5 guys to do the commentary! Yeah cause its awesome to hear them talk over each other trying to get their two cents in. They talk about their favorites lines, and places where they did this or that (like for instance the tent shaking). They crack jokes and talk about how some of the interviewees came about at the beginning of the film. It is in no way a serious commentary by any means, but it is also not really worth listening to either.
• Alternate Endings: Four “alternate” endings. One of which is just the original ending. The other three are just as terrible as the original and is just one detail changed. Not really worth a look unless you have to (like I had to) or you are really just that curious/bored. Again, keep your remote handy, you will wanna fast forward quite a bit.
• Curse of the Blair Witch: This was the special on Sci-Fi that led up to the whole thing about this movie being real. It includes lots of interviews with so-called family members, and local law enforcement. There is also lots of the “background story” put in here. Years later watching this, it is pretty obvious how scripted and fake all this mess is. Made me kinda sleepy.
• Extra Footage: One scene. Yep. That is all you get! One scene where the kids are talking inside the tent about the possibilities of who is outside the tent making the noise. I am not sure why this was even included on this disc.
• The Blair Witch Legacy: A time line of all the events leading up to the release of this movie in the theater, presents in a black and white slide show.
• Trailers: One trailer and two teasers. Pretty basic.

Final Warning

This movie is quite literally a train wreck. You want to throw yourself in front of a train to end the non stop fighting and bickering between the three. There is less arguing on the trade channel in World of Warcraft. (Yeah, you WoW players know exactly what I mean.) If you take out all of the arguing, you are left with some rock piles, some shots of a creek, and some nauseating camera work. This could have been much better, had it be done right, but with a twenty grand budget, it wasn’t going to be. There are much scarier movies for your viewing pleasure out there. I wouldn’t even add this to your Netflix queue. -pulls the hearse in front of your home- See? That wasn’t so bad now was it? Okay so maybe it was. Oh, those marks on your neck? Awww don’t worry about those, they will heal up, with time. You will have plenty of that now. -hands you a pumpkin shaped lollipop and boots you out of the back of the hearse- Till next time…