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Just One of the Guys

Posted in Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on March 22nd, 2004

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The 1970’s and 80’s brought a ton of teenage angst films where coming of age simply meant having sex. Just One Of The Guys attempts to be a bit more original, but while the premise was, the film is certainly not. I know there was a bit of a cult following for the film, but it was mostly lost in the barrage of superior films of the year. It’s no wonder that Columbia saw fit to release this disc with so little care. Fellow herpers will take delight in one character who brings in a different reptile to school each day. …
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Lizzie McGuire – Star Struck (Volume 3)

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 20th, 2004

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A couple of years ago, my wife and I found ourselves watching an episode of The Lizzie McGuire Show on a lazy Saturday morning, when nothing else was on. While we are certainly not the target market, we were both pleased to find that the half-hour was genuinely entertaining. Saturday mornings are a perfect time to watch this show, as it is mildly humorous, yet still benign enough that you don’t really have to get your brain working to enjoy it. It has since become a fairly-regular part of our weekend routine.< ...
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Doctor Who – The Three Doctors

Posted in Disc Reviews by Gino Sassani on March 19th, 2004

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Most American Doctor Who fans are most familiar with the Tom Baker Who. There is no question he added a flair to the role. In this 10th Anniversary special episode we get to see the first 3 Doctors in action. John Pertwee was the current Who. He teams up mostly with 2nd Doctor Patrick Troughton. The first Doctor was played by William Hartnell and was limited to view screen images as he was quite aged and ill. The idea would occur again with the 5 Doctors to celebrate 20 years of Doctor Who. The story is a bit contriv…
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Brotherhood III, The – Young Demons

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 19th, 2004

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The biggest compliment that I can pay to this film is that I have seen worse. The acting is bad, but not painful. The plot is sub-par, but not entirely horrible. The dialog is forced, but not filled with bad teenage slang. Yes, this is a horrible film, but I have seen worse.

Truth be told, The Brotherhood III is more like an excruciatingly long short film. The main emotion that I felt as I moved through this disc was… boredom. Huge segments of the film are simply without dialog or action of any kind….
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Baby Einstein – Baby MacDonald

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 17th, 2004

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Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat… this is a title intended for viewing by small children. Very small children. As a result, all of my usual judging criteria (picture quality, sound quality, character development) are pretty much unimportant. The target audience for this title has trouble forming words, so I am willing to bet that the more subtle nuances of the narrative will be lost on them. Nevertheless, I will continue on as best as I can.

If you are still reading this, you are most likely a…
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Circuit 2, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 16th, 2004

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If you were one of the few of people who were waiting with bated breath for a sequel to the low-budget laugher, The Circuit, well thank your lucky stars because the day has finally come. If you sense sarcasm, you are right, because The Circuit 2 is even more of a stink-fest than the original, which is a feat in and of its self.

When we last left Dirk Longstreet (Olivier Gruner), he was recovering from infiltrating an underground fighting circuit to save his brother who had become wrapped up i…
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Frightening, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 16th, 2004

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The Frightening, as the DVD cover says, is “a new class of horror”. This play on words foreshadows the premise of the movie. There’s a “new kid” at Hallows End High School. His name is Corey (Matt Twining), and he’s having a few problems “adjusting”. Corey has a “past”. But that’s not the “real” problem of this school. Okay…I’ll stop using quotation marks. The major problem at Hallows End High School, nicknamed “Halloween High” (sorry…I couldn’t stop), is that the corpses are piling up. Someone…or som…
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Little Red

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 16th, 2004

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Film

Ah, Baltimore. The Inner Harbor, Camden Yards, Preakness, corrupt government officials, devastating crime rate, as well as a nasty STD epidemic to boot. You gotta love my hometown. But what Baltimore has in negative traits, it makes up for it with creativity. If you have caught HBO’s The Corner or The Wire, you see that Baltimore’s issues can make for captivating television. While Little Red isn’t on the level of these excellent shows, it does have a certain level of amateur charm …
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Circuit, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 16th, 2004

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Film

Remember the B-Movie kick-fests of the late 1980’s and early 1990’s? You know… the ones where plot and acting come in a distant second to the well staged fight scenes? The Circuit tries to harken back to the genre of that time, but ultimately falls flat on its face like a punch drunk boxer.

Dirk Longstreet (Olivier Gruner) is the former champion of an illegal underground fighting circuit. He has tried to put those days behind him by becoming an athletics instructor at a college…
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Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 16th, 2004

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Synopsis

King Arthur (Trevor Howard) is disgusted with the decadent state of his court. During abanquet, as the once great knights are berated by their king, a mysterious Green Knight (SeanConnery) storms in. He challenges anyone to chop of his head, as long as he gets the secondblow. No one takes up the gauntlet but Gawain (Miles O’Keeffe), a young squire. Knighted forhis bravery, Gawain decapitates the Green Knight, who then promptly screws his own head backon. He doesn’t kill Gaw…
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Grapes of Wrath, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 15th, 2004

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Synopsis

Henry Fonda is Tom Joad, returning home after serving four years in prison for killing aman. He arrives to find the farms of Oklahoma devastated by drought, and all the familiesdispossessed of their land. He and his family become part of the great migration from the DustBowl to the Eden of California. There they face exploitation, persecution and misery, andFonda’s rage at the injustice grows.

John Steinbeck’s enormous novel found a stunning screen incarnation in th…
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Comic Book – The Movie

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 13th, 2004

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Following in the tradition of This Is Spinal Tap, Mark Hamill’s Comic Book: The Movie is a “mockumentary” that delves into the lives of those obsessed by comics and those that try to make money off of these people i.e. heartless Hollywood types who want to cash into the comic book craze by bastardizing a classic comic book hero into a major Hollywood blockbuster. Hosted by longtime comic geek Donald Swann (Hamill), this new ‘documentary’ shows the evolution of legendary character Commander Courage. Orig…
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Sand

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 13th, 2004

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Synopsis

Michael Vartan plays Tyler Briggs, a man who separates from his redneck family in order to leave the past behind him and start a new life for himself. Following the passing of his mother, his father tries to re-establish contact with him and tracks him to his new home, a secluded beach town where he spent time as a child. Accompanying his father are his law breaking brothers who continue their lawless ways after Tyler decides not to return to their ways. They assault his girlfriend and bruta…
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Dracula’s Curse

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 12th, 2004

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Synopsis

Jonathan Harker, his fiancee Mina and their friends are partying it up in Budapest when anone Vlad Tepes makes them an offer they can’t refuse. Lured by the dollar signs, Harker hieshimself off to Rumania to the castle of Count Tepes. The Count, of course, is exactly who youthink he is, and soon he and an Italian version of Dr. Van Helsing are locked in a familiarbattle.

In its broad lines, the film is actually quite faithful to Stoker’s novel. The characters’nati…
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Playboys, The

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 12th, 2004

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Synopsis

Robin Wright is Tara. Not only is she the most beautiful woman in her small village, she isalso a single mother, which means some tough sledding in the Ireland of 1957. She is turned onand persecuted by the community, even as the men lust after her. Constable Albert Finney isparticularly obsessed with winning her, and he doesn’t take it well at all when she falls for AidanQuinn, who arrives with an itinerant band of actors.

There are plenty of serious topics being d…
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Tully

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 12th, 2004

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Film

While walking in a junkyard, a character says, “This place has a lot of treasures.” That statement could also be used to describe one of the many powerful scenes that are treasures in this film. Not that this film is anything close to a junkyard. Nominated for a few Independent Spirit Awards in major categories, Tully is a moving film that uses several wonderfully understated performances to tell its story about a troubled family.

On a Nebraska farm, patriarch Tully Coates, Sr. (Bob B…
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Miner’s Massacre

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 11th, 2004

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A miner from the Gold Rush days of ’49 comes back to life to terrorize a group of youngsters. Sound familiar? Yeah… vaguely sounds like that Scooby Doo episode with the Miner 49er. Alas… I’m not talking about Rooby Roo himself. The movie is Miner’s Massacre. And I would advise eating a whole pouch of Scooby snacks before watching this abomination.

Indeed, the movie is about an old miner that comes back to life to haunt whoever takes his “gold”. Of course, there is a gaggle of young kids re…
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On Edge

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 11th, 2004

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Synopsis

Mimicking the format of Spellbound, On Edge introduces us to a group offigure skating hopefuls. The principles are Veda, an ice queen driven by her imperious bitch-on-wheels mother; Wendy, overweight but very talented and desperate for attention; and J.C., thecynical, self-taught trailer trash. These three triumph in the local competition, and move on tothe regionals, shooting for the coveted Golden Horn.

The figure skating scene is so ripe for parody,…
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Rapid Exchange

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 9th, 2004

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Synopsis

After a museum heist goes awry, Lorenzo Lamas works off his debt to Lance Henriksen bysigning on as part of a team for an even bigger job: stealing $250 million from a 747 in mid-flight. We follow the team of expert thieves prepare for heist, and then the big event goes down.But Lamas doesn’t trust everybody he’s working with, and he is right not to.

Remember the heist that kick-starts the action in Cliffhanger? That’s pretty muchwhat you have here, only now that job…
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Dark Waters

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 9th, 2004

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Synopsis

An ocean floor lab is attacked by intelligent sharks. Subsequently, sleazy oceanographer con-artist Lorenzo Lamas and partner-in-crime Simmone Jade MacKinnon (she of the extremelyshaky American accent) are forcefully recruited by the man Lamas blames for the death of hisfather. They are forced to take Lamas’ private sub down to the lab. Everything goes wrong, andin the wake of another shark attack, the survivors are picked up by a US sub commanded by alunatic. The sub is the headqu…
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Tempted

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 9th, 2004

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I’ve found a new crime genre: New Orleans noir. I’ve seen a few of these in the past month. The films seem to be about the flawed people of Louisiana (the Pelican State, by the way) and center around steamy murders and love affairs. All made with a certain bayou charm. Tempted is another movie that fits this pattern. It has all the makings of a guilty pleasure.

Tempted stars, Stroker Ace himself, Burt Reynolds as a well known New Orleans business magnate who hires a young stud employee (…
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Deep Shock

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 8th, 2004

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Synopsis

A rift has opened in the ocean floor beneath the Acrtic ice cap, melting the ice andthreatening to flood much of the world. (Never mind that this wouldn’t happen: this is a moviewhere we see ice sink, just like in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.) The solution,ordered by some sort of world government cabal of the G8 at the “United Nations CommandCenter” (riiiiight) is to nuke the rift. Somehow, this will make everything all better. It turns out,however, that the rift …
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Cold Vengeance

Posted in Disc Reviews by David Annandale on March 8th, 2004

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Jimmy Coy is some kind of freelance operative, specializing in explosives and enforcement,for organized crime. He is ashamed of his line of work, however, and wants out. He and his twobuddies are hired but a sneering, Snidely Whiplash villain to torch an arena full of spectators.Jimmy refuses to cause any casualities, but our villain won’t take no for an answer. Meanwhile,Jimmy falls in love with Cassandra, the stepdaughter of one of the head thugs. Cassandra is hersister’s skating coach, which means that w…
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Vampire Clan

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 8th, 2004

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Vampire Clan is supposedly based on a true story. The film revolves around the actions of a teenage Vampire cult in a small American town. The clan gets involved in murder and mayhem, and the movie is supposed to be all the more chilling because it’s based on real life events. Not necessarily, it still has to be scary.

Drew Fuller plays Rod, the Manson like leader of this Vampire clan. Fuller has some natural charm, but isn’t diabolic enough. Kelly Kruger is the teenage runaway Heather, and she als…
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Angels Don’t Sleep Here

Posted in Disc Reviews by Archive Authors on March 8th, 2004

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Angels Don’t Sleep Here is the stuff of crime melodrama: long forgotten murders, revenge, twin brothers, and corrupt public officials. It’s a mild foray into the genre. The film knows the notes but not the music; but the actors, or the instruments, (if we continue the music metaphor) really save the day.

Dana Ashbrook (from Twin Peaks) plays a forensic specialist who returns to an unnamed city to start poking around about his long lost twin brother. The trail leads to a DA (Kelly Rutherford)…
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