It’s time to say goodbye to that lovable furry alien from Melmac. After 4 years the network unceremoniously pulled the plug. Unfortunately it was in the middle of a cliffhanger. While a TV movie tried to wrap things up, I was never completely satisfied. The final season of ALF offers up pretty much more of the same. ALF’s go as a day trader is one of the better episodes. In case you haven’t noticed, all of the episode titles are song tittles. This season offers such hits and near misses as: Live and Let Die, Happy ...ogether, and the finale, Consider Me Gone.

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When I was young there was an armchair in the living room that had its back to the hallway leading to my bedroom. I would frequently sneak down that hall and hide behind the chair. There I could spend hours after my bedtime watching whatever my parents were watching on television. What I saw from my secret vantage point in 1975 was the scariest thing I have ever seen. All my life I have been a horror fan. From the silent classics of Lon Chaney, through the Universal masterpieces of the 30’s and 40’s, all the way to...the slasherfests of modern times, nothing has affected me more than Trilogy of Terror.

Trilogy of Terror was the mastermind of two of the genre’s greatest. From the imagination that brought us Dark Shadows and Kolchak: The Night Stalker we find Dan Curtis at his very best. His partner in Terror is the man who brought us so many Twilight Zones, Richard Matheson. Matheson also created some of the best horror novels of our time. I Am Legend gave us both the Vincent Price “Last Man On Earth” and Charlton Heston’s “The Omega Man”. Will Smith is currently taking a crack at the same story. Here the two teamed up for 3 half-hour tales, all staring Karen Black.

Synopsis

Larry David plays Larry David, so thorough a narcissistic curmudgeon that he would be completely and utterly loathsome were it not for his unerring propensity to bring disaster down upon his head. Once again, we see him grump from episode to episode, never failing to make the worst possible decision at the worst possible moment in every social situation. A case in point: he dings another character’s car, gives the guy money to get the car fixed. Instead, the money goes to the man’s daughter,...and Larry deduces that it financed breast enhancement. Cue a scene on the beach guaranteed to have you hiding in shame behind the couch.

Synopsis

Hurricane Eve descends upon the Florida coast, wreaking particular havoc on the rural town of Homestead. The central characters are a park ranger, his two children, a reporter who is the ranger’s second wife, his conspiracy-nut brother (channelling Jack Black), his ex-wife and her second husband (the always suspicious-looking William Fichtner). As if the devastation weren’t enough, there are all those weird lights, and... hey... some people are acting kinda strange, like they’re might not be...human at all.

Wolfgang Petersen’s Troy tells the famous story based on the poem ‘The Iliad’ by poet Homer. The film recounts the struggle between the Greeks and the Trojans. The Trojan War has quickly begun after young and beautiful Helen (Diane Kruger) is seduced by Paris (Orlando Bloom) while he is on a peace mission to Sparta. Obviously Helen’s husband, Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson) is annoyed by this as is Paris’ older, wiser brother Hector (Eric Bana). Paris eventually wins Helen’s heart and sneaks her away from her husba...d back to Troy. Here Helen is declared to be a queen.

Menelaus is naturally furious about this and demands that Agamemnon, King of Mycenae, take ships and men (1,000 ships and about 50,000 men) to bring her back. Here is where the fun begins as the Trojans refuse to give up their new queen. As history tells us the Greeks would lay siege to Troy for nearly ten years. Where poet Homer’s ‘The Iliad’ picks up is around the tenth and final year of the struggle.

Mix two parts hip-hop artists, two parts Oscar-winning actors, one part TV actor, and one part bad actor, and what do you get? The stars of Edison Force, that’s what. Now just because I specify one as a bad actor doesn’t let the others off the hook. Of course, Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman are going to be tolerable. They’re phenomenal at their craft. Even the TV actor (Dylan McDermott) does a worthy job of bringing menace to his role as primary leg-breaker. But when it comes to poor performances, Cary ...lwes, L.L. Cool J, and Justin Timberlake have the market cornered. It’s unfortunate the film hangs its hopes and dreams on the abilities of the latter two.

Every L.L. Cool J character comes across as a bulked-up sissy, because the actor tries way too hard to walk the line between sensitivity and men-wearing-dresses. Normally, he falls over to the wrong side of that line. Edison Force is no exception. As for Timberlake, he sounds like a lisping chipmunk every time he opens his mouth. When these two guys are forced to carry an action film, get ready for metro-sexuality at its finest. While some girls will find these men extremely pleasing to the eye, the target audience will probably laugh this one out of their players.

We all know what today is, so let’s skip the tagline.

Well, for all the news (interesting and otherwise) that the Blu-Ray camp made last week, Universal announced their round of November titles for HD-DVD release. Among them are Waterworld (I met Kevin Costner on the set of that film when I was in the Army, true story), The Hulk (a better movie than people give it credit for and one that should blow out a subwoofer or two) and the granddaddy of them all, King Kong. Release for all three...is 11/14. What makes this interesting is that Kong is also due for an Extended Edition release on the same day, which mildly disappoints me from that standpoint. Do I buy a movie with more Jack Black and Naomi Watts, or do I watch them as is in high def? Oh well, it’s a somewhat pleasant dilemma to have. Release news has been lacking otherwise, no new Blu-Ray releases of note (though The Da Vinci Code will NOT receive a Blu release), and You, Me and Dupree bows as a combo disc on 11/21.

Sahara tells the story of Dirk Pitt (Matthew McConaughey) and his buddy Al Giordino (Steve Zahn) as they travel to a country called Mali in search for what the locals call “The Ship of Death”. This “Ship of Death” is a lost Civil War ship named the CSS Texas that has a huge cargo of what was thought to be gold. Once there, Dirk and his buddy run into Doctor Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz) who’s about to be executed for muddling in business that is, well, none of her business.

This “business” turns out to ...e rather huge, with ruler General Kazim (Lennie James) wanting to rid the ocean of all of its life. He figures that he will accomplish this by releasing this virus into the water system and, as it flows downstream, it will eventually reach the ocean. Why exactly Kazim wants to do this involves a standard for films such as this… for money. Dirk, Steve, and Doctor Rojas must investigate this disease and decide why it is not only infecting the water system, but causing a vast amount of pollution to the area and its surroundings. Add in a few explosions, chase scenes, and a pretty cool ending battle sequence and there you have Sahara

The 2003 remake of The Italian Job is about five men named Charlie Croker (Marc Wahlberg), Handsome Rob (Jason Statham), Lyle (Seth Green), Steve (Edward Norton), and Left Ear (Mos Def) who are all part of a group that pull off elaborate heists. The leader of the pack, John Bridger (Donald Sutherland), has decided he wants to quit the game presumably to spend more time with his daughter Stella (Charlize Theron). The only thing is that he wants to commit one last going-away theft so that he can not only secure ...is spot in the hall of fame, but also secure his retirement. The job in question revolves around the city of Venice, Italy and a heck of a lot of gold (Try $35 Million). The plan goes off without many problems but what occurs next is somewhat of a shocker and helps to outline the rest of the film.

The first obvious comparison that this film had to deal with was the comparison with the film Ocean’s Eleven. While not as star-packed or explosive as that film, The Italian Job does a fine job at telling a somewhat ordinary story in a manner that makes the film interesting and charming at the same time. While Ocean’s Eleven had the star-punching power of George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Julia Roberts to name a few, The Italian Job rather focuses on stars not as huge, but most that rival the stars of Eleven in terms of quality of acting (don’t get me wrong, Damon and Clooney are fine actors). With the likes of Edward Norton, ‘Marky’ Mark Whalberg, Charlize Theron, Donald Sutherland, Seth Green, and the funny Jason Statham, the film’s characters make the film enjoyable mainly because these actors turn their roles into characters you’ll hate (Norton), characters you’ll laugh at (Green), and character’s you’ll laugh with (Statham).

Remaking cult movies is a risky proposition. By their nature, they are going to have a rabidly loyal fan base, and therefore the people most likely to be interested in the remake are also the people most likely to be hostile towards it. This is the lesson being learned the hard way by Neil LaBute. His remake of 1973's The Wicker Man is in the theatres now. He faced a barrage of criticism from the fans even before he’d finished his work. He’s unlikely to hear anything different now. Both films tell a similar st...ry of a police officer arriving in a remote island community to look for a missing girl, only to find that everyone is in on some kind of conspiracy. But the storytelling is where LaBute falls down.

Remakes can certainly be worthwhile, especially if they take the original premise in a new direction. Thus, the new versions of The Thing and The Fly became classics in their own right. LaBute, unfortunately, has simultaneously been too faithful to his source, and betrayed it. How he has done so is by misunderstanding what made the original work so well, and then, having destroyed its soul, kept a lot of the original dialogue. This is called being true to the letter, and not the spirit.