Name: Miss March Measurements: 89 minutes/90 minutes (unrated version)
Birthdate: March 13, 2009 Weight: $ 4 Million at the box office
Ambitions: To be the nastiest road/party movie it can be, without really showing all that much skin.
Turn-ons: It didn’t last very long.
Turn-offs: Let me count the ways. The cast. The script. The direction. The editing. Basically having to watch Miss March again.
I can’t begin to tell you how bad this movie really is. Fox just sent a screener, so there really isn’t anything I can tell you about the audio or video quality of the film, except to say, if this is at all any indication, it’s about as bad as any film I’ve seen on DVD to date.
Eugene (Cregger) is in love with his hot girlfriend, Cindi (Alessi). The two are devout Christians who go to schools to preach abstinence. They’ve finally reached the point where they believe they are committed enough to finally sleep together. The plan goes awry when Eugene’s friend, Tucker (Moore) plies him with a ton of drinks to get him ready for the big night. He gets drunk, stumbles down a flight of stairs and ends up in a coma for four years. Tucker revives him with a baseball bat to the face. After 4 years, Tucker hasn’t changed. He’s still the same Playboy obsessed sex starved adolescent. But Cindi is nowhere to be found. Eugene discovers that she moved away and is now one of Playboy’s playmates, you guessed it, March. Now the two guys go on a cross country trip to the Playboy Mansion so Eugene win her back.
The film is loaded with crappy jokes as much as sexual humor. If you’re figuring that you’ll tolerate the crappy film to get a look at some hot babes, think again. There’s not a lot of that going on either. The film is merely an endless parade of tired joke after tired joke. There’s a pretty lame cameo by Hefner himself that is so obviously inserted that it stands out as pretty bad, even in this film.
March comes in like a lion but goes out like a lamb. That’s what I’m told anyway. This March look for cloudy skies with a good chance of stupidity. The film is just under an hour and a half. The unrated version has less than a minute of added footage. But, trust me that half hour will seem “like about 600 minutes”.
