Oh, where to begin? I guess I should start with the directors. That’s right, DIRECTORS. Plural. There are three of them. Apparently, the first two didn’t suck enough, so they had to bring in a third to fill out the talentless triumvirate. Any film directed by three people who are not related should make moviegoers instantly suspicious.
You know what else makes me suspicious? Any movie that stars both Meadow Soprano and Buster Poindexter. My suspicions grew when I realized that they were only in a small port…on of the film. If these are your biggest actors, and you can only afford them for a few days of shooting, it is possible that something may be amiss with your production.
Truth be told, there is so much that has gone awry with this film that it is hardly worth going through the time it would take to write it all down. For this reason, I am just going to post my review notes regarding this film, in their current “as is” format. Read them, and take heed to what I say. This is not a film that should be viewed by anyone, ever, under any circumstances. Hang on, because here we go…
-Editing is amateur at best.
-Buster Poindexter is the king of overacting. His bad country accent makes me want to pull my ears off and eat them.
-Some camera shots are actually repeated within the same scene.
-Booooooooooooooring… and bad!
-Has all the charm and entertainment value of an OSHA training video.
-As is the case with many other Velocity titles, the story is bad, and the acting is worse.
-Many scenes left me scratching my head in confusion.
-Kids don’t really call their friends these names (i.e. “penile implant”, “sanitary napkin”, “spew bags”). I don’t even know what a “spew bag” is.
-Predictable plot twists.
-The main characters in each story are so annoying that I can’t wait for them to die.
-Without a doubt, the worst CG effects that I have ever seen in a film.
OK, now that the film is out of the way, let’s talk a little about the audio. I was totally unimpressed with this soundtrack. The output is highly compressed, which gives the whole production a tinny and amateurish feel. This also assures that there is no dynamic range on the film, and spatial imaging is simply non-existent. Basically, the disc has a TV-quality soundtrack, which matches up well with the less-than-stellar film. There’s no reason to hook up your home theater for this title; your standard television speakers will be fine.
The video starts out bad, and gets much worse. Daytime scenes are acceptable for the most part, while certainly not great. Colors are faded, and deep black tones come off as more blue than black. I know that the disc can handle more, however, since the widescreen bars are a beautiful, deep black. Really, they only serve to show how great the picture could have been, if somebody had taken the time to master it correctly.
The nighttime scenes are where the blemishes really show, however. The main problem with this transfer is that there is some excessive vertical scrolling going on. Especially noticeable when dark colors are present, the film looks like you are watching it on a VCR with a tracking problem. This, coupled with the excessive grain, makes for a very poor presentation. In fact, I have many old VHS titles that look better than this disc.
Mercifully, there is only one extra included on this disc…a theatrical trailer. Surprisingly, however, the trailer does a good job of making the film look better than it actually is. Usually you can spot these bad horror movies a mile away, but this one is disguised very well. Good for them, bad for us.
There really is nothing positive that I can say about this disc. The quality is just plain bad, as is the film. It would be recommended for viewers to seek out some other way of spending two hours of their free time, like watching paint dry, or maybe poking a large bear with a short stick. Either pursuit would be more rewarding than watching this disc.
Special Features List