As a kid, I was a huge Lost In Space fan. We loved Dr. Smith in particular and would go around our neighborhoods moaning, “The pain, oh the pain” in some mock imitation of the deliciously bad character. I think I finally know what he was talking about. I’m a man, and so I won’t even begin to pretend that I can understand what labor pains feel like. I believe it when I’m told there’s no worse suffering in the human experience, except for one. Yes, my gentle female readers, no matter how much torture childbirth might be for you, I bet it can’t compare to the mental anguish of having to sit through Labor Pains. Since this film was written and directed by women, I suspect it just might actually be some female plot to get guys like me to appreciate true suffering.
In the first place, we have Lindsay Lohan. I mean seriously. Is there anyone out there who actually thinks she’s a gifted actress? Is she really on anyone’s dream cast? Name one good movie she’s been involved in. I hear someone in the back screaming out Mean Girls. Forget about it. She has a reputation of showing up whenever she feels like it, arguing or downright fighting with cast and crew. She’s been known to “accidentally” walk off with stuff that doesn’t belong to her, and she’s pretty much a temper tantrum throwing brat when she doesn’t get her way. I’m tired of the press hanging on each and every emotion implosion like it was actually important. Do you really care how many times she splits up and gets back together with her lesbian DJ friend? How many pictures do we need of her crying on the lady’s front porch beggin’ for another chance, only to be dropping F bombs in anger a day later? The woman’s a train wreck. Is it any surprise at all that her films are crap? I can honestly say knowing all of these gross intimate details has not improved the quality of my life. What would help my job as a reviewer is if she’d stop trying to make movies. In a nice piece of irony, a character asks Thea if she wants people to see her as a “wayward skank”. Well…Lindsay?
Thea (Lohan) works as a secretary for a publishing house. She’s pretty incompetent. She shows up late for work and fails in most of her tasks. So far no real stretch for Lohan. When her boss decides he’s had enough, he tries to fire her. To avoid getting canned she makes up a story about being pregnant. Legal says that means she can’t get fired. Instantly Thea’s life gets better. People give up seats on the bus and everyone is fawning all over her. She’s got a new guy in her life. All is good. Of course, it gets out of control as she eventually begins to fool herself into thinking and acting like she really is pregnant. Eventually the house of cards tumbles and we get to learn a lesson. I know there’s one in there someplace.
Video
Labor Pains is presented in its original aspect ratio of 1.78:1. The 1080p image is arrived at with an AVC/MPEG-4 codec. Yeah. There’s a good bit of detail and colors appear quite natural, but this isn’t going to jump out of anybody’s screen as one of those reference discs to show off the benefits of HD technology. The print is clean and there aren’t any compression problems. Black levels are pretty much average.
Audio
The Dolby TrueHD Audio track doesn’t need to do all that much, and that’s rather fortunate. Dialog comes through, and as I’ve said that really is the main point of the audio here.
Special Features
Making Of Featurette: (12:58) Standard stuff here with mostly interview clips and playfulness on the set.
Cast Interviews: Lindsay Lohan (2:19), Cheryl Hines (1:51), Luke Kirby (1:26), and Chris Parnell (:47)
Final Thoughts:
Perhaps I’m the wrong gender for this whole thing, but I just don’t get it. Whatever the case, Labor Pains is a pain where we common decent folks ought not to have one. I keep throwing the gauntlet down there for you ladies. We could use a female perspective here at Upcomingdiscs. You can have the job, and you don’t even have to “pretend you’re pregnant”.
