Jersey Shore – Season Five Uncensored

The “cast” of Jersey Shore have returned from their adventures in Italy as Season 5 is back to the American location that is the show’s namesake. This means a return to their familiar zones for more partying and more…talking about how they partied.

Offering up any sort of synopsis of this show would purely consist of something along the lines of: (Person) got drunk and hooked up with (Person) which angered (Person) at a party. (Person) then talked about it endlessly except to go to the gym, tan or drink. Repeat this formula for each episode for all Five Seasons.

This show effects me like no other has. It is as if they have taken all of my worst memories from high school, bar encounters, or any other event where a person of less-than-stellar intelligence attempts to resolve a situation (NO! That is not a pun or reference to cast member “The Situation”) but it instantly becomes a shouting match completely devoid of perspicacity and often results in some sort of violence. Jersey Shore is a proverbial blooper reel of all the things I want to avoid in real life.

Call it a shrewd bias, but I feel as if there is nothing to be gained from watching this show, except for possibility as cautionary example of how not to live or act. I know that is the excuse cohorts of mine have given me when they admit to having watched it. Sure, it is all well and good to laugh AT a show’s expense on many occasions, but this show is just another that is about gossip, and fueled by gossip. Like a self-perpetuating tabloid machine circulating information about characters NOBODY should care about in the first place. Shame on you viewers for letting it exist this many seasons. Shame.

Video

Fullscreen. As the cameras change so too does the quality. This has nothing to do with the tranfers, but just whether a camera had the opportunity to stage a scene, or if it simply something installed in the ceiling that runs all the time. Honestly, I think the lo-fi cameras are used to try and give the show a more credible “reality.”

Audio

Dolby Digital Stereo. Oh got, the shreeking! I must thank the good people at Paramount for being charitable enough to not present this in surround sound. I don’t know if I could handle hearing the drunken howls of these people all around me. For what it is…the sound is decently clear.

Special Features

After Hours: This is separate show that resembles a talk show format where the cast members look at particular episodes and discuss them. The intellectual potential for these examinations, you can imagine, is boundless. The way that each episode is dissected becomes a soul-searching venture for all parties involved. If we all were blessed with the opportunity to examine our own lives the way the Jersey Shore people get to, then who knows how far we could push forward the evolution of our species? To reach new plateaus of enlightenment…to become closer to the cosmos…to become…oh…you got me. This is just more ego-stroking garbage from this band of do-nothing schlubs.

Jersey Shore Reunion: Almost identical to the “After Hours” segment, but without a focus on any particular episode.

Confessionals: I don’t like the idea of these people talking directly to me…never mind hearing more about how “jacked” they want to be, or who is mad at who for hooking up with blah bleh blugh. Spare me. I couldn’t turn this off fast enough.

Deleted Scenes: Didn’t get enough? Well alright then, here is some extended looks at the cerebral celebration that is Jersey Shore.

Final Thoughts

Jersey Shore is less a television program and more an endurance test for one’s sanity. I don’t know what grade I received, But all I know is I felt a visceral sense of complete frustration and anger while the DVD loaded with sample clips of the show. This was not during any episode itself, nor any special feature. I literally started to feel ill 5 seconds into this thing.

I approached this show with the same open-mindedness that I do all things I review but my patience was very short lived. The fact that the box states this is for “Mature Audiences Only” is an ironic joke operating on a level I fear many viewers shall miss.