If you can’t see where this thing is going after 10 minutes, check your forehead for lobotomy scars. I strongly suspect that everyone associated with this film, from the writer to the actors to the money people who thought this was a good idea, all have matching scars. The box art claims that someone from Bloody Disgusting calls this the best time travel movie of all time. What?! Either that guy was taking some serious medication at the time, or he was paid off, or his sister worked on the film in some capacity, or he’s actually managed to never see films like: Back To The Future,The Time Machine (both versions), Time After Time, Star Trek IV, Frequency, Somewhere In Time, or Jaws. Okay, so I made the last one up. It’s still a better time travel film than Timecrimes.
I can’t really even offer you much on the plot without destroying what mystery might exist for you, should you decide to ignore my warnings and give the movie a spin for yourself. Suffice it to say that the film thrives on paradox. The acting is simply horrible. There’s a limited cast, but you’d think they could find just three or four actors that could…you know….well….act. It makes some attempt at being a horror film, but even those aspects are quite laughable. And there’s the only chance you have of enjoying this film. Every now and again, I’ve had guys over for what we used to call Schlock – O – Rama. The idea is too laugh our behinds off at the absurdity of what we were watching. You pick up the lamest looking film you can find, and away you go. It’s like your own private Mystery Science Fiction Theater.
Video
Timecrimes is presented in its original aspect ratio of 1.85:1. This movie looks as bad as anything I’ve seen before, and I’ve seen a lot of bad dubs in my time. The digital noise alone is distracting. The colors are washed and run like a third generation video dub. The person working the camera hasn’t found the focus controls yet. It might be possible that Fisher Price cameras don’t come with a focus control. Black levels are non-existent. There just isn’t anything good about this video at all.
Audio
The film was made in Spanish, and you have both a Dolby Digital 5.1 version and a 2.0. I opted for the English dubbed version. It reminded me of those martial arts films of the 70’s, the dubbing was so bad. I don’t think the English voice actors were even looking at the screen. But that’s okay, because everything else sounded as dull as it looked.
Special Features
The Making Of Timecrimes: This dull affair runs 45 minutes long, and I do mean long. The cast and crew just go on and on about how cool and good this drivel is. It’s also in Spanish, which I don’t know, so it was subtitles for me.
Cast And Crew Interviews: Again in Spanish. It runs nearly 14 minutes and covers a lot of the same things as the earlier feature.
7:35 de la Manana: A short Spanish film that was a little humorous, but not really the kind of thing I would have sought out.
Make-Up Featurette: This Spanish feature focuses, appropriately, on the makeup. It runs almost 6 minutes.
Timecrimes Internet Game Features: This half hour multi-part feature looks at a game developed from the film, I think. It was pretty hard to follow.
Photo Galleries and Trailer.
Final Thoughts:
I love a good time travel film. Some of my favorite Star Trek films are those that involve time travel. It’s a fascinating subject, and the possibilities are endless. In Timecrimes, the only thing that appeared endless was the running time. It’s a little known film getting itself a DVD release. You don’t need my review. You need to get a visit from your future self warning you, “Don’t do it”.
