Donkey Punch was partially funded by the British Lottery. That means you might have actually lost twice. Once if you bought a losing ticket, and again if you watched this movie made possible by your gambling itch. Mama always said nothing good comes out of gambling. Turns out she was right. If this is what the British Lottery Authority is doing with the money, you’re better off going to a bookie. At least Mario “The Shark” Cabliario will spend the money on something worthwhile, like women and booze.
The movie begins with three young women on a tropical vacation. They meet three guys at a bar, who claim to have a yacht parked (okay docked) nearby. The dudes wanna know if the chicks wanna party. They say definitely not. Are you kidding? Of course, they say yes. Turns out these fine upstanding lads crew a yacht for some rich guy who is out of town. That leaves them alone with the toys. Kind of reminds me of the Jimmy Buffet song, Gypsies In The Palace. After a few drinks and a few drugs, the trio and one of the guys’ brother head below to make out. If these scenes get tiresome, bring a book to your theater. The sex scene rambles on for over 20 minutes. Finally, the lame brother decides to take a turn with one of the girls. He’s not too bright. He decides to try a stunt his brother told him about called a donkey punch. Apparently it’s this sexual myth. While having sex with a chick you smack her so hard upside the head that it breaks her neck. Why, I have no idea, but the kid tries it and kills the girl. Now everyone panics. The guys, for the most part, want to dump the girl in the ocean and claim she got so drunk and high that she fell overboard. The girls, understandably, aren’t too keen on that idea. At first they don’t even know how it happened, and assume she overdosed or something. Unfortunately, one of the guys was videotaping the entire orgy and caught the donkey punch on tape. The next half hour is a battle between the factions to gain possession of the tape.
The first half hour or so of this film is nothing more than soft porn, and sometimes not so soft. I should warn you that you’ll get both female and male full nudity here. The rest of the film is basically a cat and mouse game aboard the yacht. Some folks get killed in unimaginative ways. The ending will be ultimately unfulfilling. You may have noticed I didn’t deliver any character or cast names in my synopsis. Why? Because it just doesn’t matter. None of these performances are worth noting, and the characters are simply excruciatingly dull and interchangeable. The movie tries to play with your head somewhat by playing with various teams and alliances that shift from time to time throughout the movie. I can get that on a bad night of Survivor. I don’t need it in my thriller films. Skip this cruise.
Video
Donkey Punch is presented in its original aspect ratio of 1.85:1. The film is very dark and contains almost no contrast at all. Combine that with poor black levels, and shadow detail is so bad you won’t be able to follow much of the action. There is substantial grain, which by itself never bothers me. It’s supposed to be there. But when you put these problems together you get a film that requires a lot of effort to watch. Unfortunately, this one isn’t worth it.
Audio
The Dolby Digital 5.1 track might as well be a stereo presentation. There are almost no ambient sounds or effects. It’s all dialog and sometimes not even that. For twenty minutes it’s just a lot of moans and sighs.
There is an Audio Commentary provided by director and writer Oliver Blackburn and one of the producers. It’s pretty much an “I love my work” type of thing and mostly about as interesting as the film itself (it’s not).
Special Features
Deleted Scenes: Nothing really good happens here.
Making Of Donkey Punch: Cast and crew join this 17 minute feature to talk about their experiences making the film. They discuss the term donkey punch as well.
Cast and Director Interviews: Participants join for a total of 40 minutes as they answer written questions about their involvement in the film.
Final Thoughts:
It’s just my luck. I get sent some new independent horror/thriller stuff to watch and none of it’s very good. It’s the pot luck life of a DVD reviewer these days. The name of the film might as well be Sucker Punch, because that’s how it made me feel when it was over. I think the best thing to do with this DVD is to “Throw it overboard, now”.
