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As I was watching the new Ocean’s Eleven for the 185th time — it’s the last movie I saw twice on the same day in theaters — it occurred to me that the stakes were entirely too high. Three casinos…$160 million…the threat of being caught and glared at by Andy Garcia. The Babymakers, on the other hand, builds up to a heist with absurdly low stakes. It’s basically like Ocean’s Eleven, only the exact opposite.

After a few years of marriage, Tommy (Paul Schneider) and Audrey (Olivia Munn) decide they want to have a baby. We then watch Tommy try to get Audrey pregnant — strategic camera angles keep Munn mostly modest — without any success. Since it appears that Tommy is shooting blanks, the couple decides to visit a fertility clinic after receiving a bunch of advice from their respective groups of friends that I’m not sure I’m allowed to repeat on this site.

Anyone who has watched enough of the SyFy original movies has a pretty good idea of what they're getting. The network has made a bit of a name for itself with low-budget to no-budget monster movies. Most of the creatures are mutant and large and appear like they escaped from a bad 1950's drive-in theater. The computer generated stuff usually looks like a kid drew it up on their pocket computer, and the cast is going to be made up of unknowns with a few known names to give the whole thing some street cred. The movies are usually good for a few laughs; some of them might even be intentional. It's all usually harmless fun. But, after watching Jersey Shore Shark Attack I believe that Steven Spielberg must be rolling over in his grave. He's still alive, you say? Wait until he catches this movie on his Tivo. In fact, if he's got it on his Netflix queue, I'm taking Steve in the next dead pool that comes out. Unfairly harsh? A bit too critical? See for yourself, I dare you. I double dog dare you.

The movie is a combination of Jaws meets Jersey Shore meets The Sopranos. And in case you didn't get it yourself, the cast includes Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino in a cameo as a television reporter and The Sopranos’ own Paulie "Walnuts" Tony Sirico in what is basically an extended cameo as a beach club owner.

It’s impossible for me to discuss what I feel didn’t work in Touchback without talking about the movie’s big plot twist. I’m not even sure it’s accurate to refer to it as a “twist” since it comes in the first half hour and is an essential component of the film. On the other hand, the movie’s official plot description is intentionally vague — for the record, the film’s trailer is considerably more forthcoming — and seems designed to conceal a major part of the story. Having considered all that, I’m only issuing a Mild Spoiler Alert.

Touchback is the story of former high school football hero Scott Murphy (Brian Presley), who led his tiny Coldwater High School team to a state championship in 1991. Unfortunately, Scott shattered his leg when he scored the game-winning touchdown, derailing his collegiate and professional football dreams. Twenty years later, he’s a broken man in more ways than one. He has become a disheveled, bitter soybean farmer who is married to Macy (Melanie Lynskey), the compassionate girl who fell in love with him after his injury, and is jealous of Chris (Marc Blucas), his wildly successful former teammate.

George Romero created the modern zombie movie in 1968 with his low-budget masterpiece The Night Of The Living Dead. While we can debate the direction the genre has gone in the last 40 years, it's hard to argue that Romero defined the rules of the game with that first film and the series that followed. And while zombies have been populating the comic scene since the early days of Creepy and Eerie, it took the likes of Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore to give us a compelling interpretation of the Romero zombie in the form of a comic book series. That vision is the foundation for the first effort to populate a television series with zombies as the ongoing antagonists. It took American Movie Classics to have the vision to allow this creative team to dream big and put it all on our television screens on a weekly basis.

The first thing you should know about The Walking Dead is that it's unlike any television series you have ever seen before. The images here are intense, and the crew has been given a blank check to create this vision without the burden of censors looking over their shoulders. There are plenty of blood-and-gore effects that rival any of the Hollywood zombie films you've seen in the last few years. The makeup effects are handled by the very capable hands of KNB and supervised personally by Greg Nicotero (the N from KNB). KNB isn't treating this like a television production, and while I personally get tired of the cliché about making a movie each week, this one lives up to the hype. They aren't doing anything different here than they would do for a big-budget film. The zombies look incredible, and the effects are completely first-rate.

"This is where society dumps its worst nightmares."

In 1978 John Carpenter created a landmark horror film in Halloween. While it certainly can't be called the first slasher film, it was absolutely the first commercially successful slasher movie and set up the pattern that we're still following today. Carpenter created a new kind of Hollywood monster: the mindless human-shaped killing machine. Michael Myers with his William Shatner rubber mask would eventually give birth to the likes of Jason and Freddy.

"They should ban Halloween in this town."

By the time we got to the 5th installment of the Halloween film franchise, there might have been fans thinking it might be time to ban its sequels. Even the return of young Danielle Harris and Donald Pleasence couldn't save this train wreck of a movie. It ranks as the worst of all 10 Halloween films at the box office and has been conveniently forgotten by the fans of the franchise. Yes, it even made less money than Season Of The Witch. It looks like we're about to be reminded of just how horrible horror can really be.

"I play chess in the park every Tuesday, Thursday afternoon. I restore cars from the ’70s, pinball machines from the ’90s, and if you pay me enough, I’ll probably kill anything that breathes."

Pop quiz! There's a new straight-to-DVD action flick about two highly-skilled assassins wreaking havoc in Eastern Europe: can you guess the two actors who star in this movie? If you're an action film — or a straight-to-DVD — connoisseur, Dolph Lundgren would easily be on your Top 10 list of suspects. (Maybe even Top 2.) But how long would it take for you to get to Cuba Gooding Jr? 50 guesses? 200?

"Rituals are important. Not just for a serial killer."

One of my favorite rituals happens about this time every year. That's when Paramount releases the latest season of Dexter on Blu-ray and DVD. I don't get Showtime, so it's the only chance I get to get caught up with everyone's favorite serial killer. Dexter's back for more bloody murder and mayhem, and his world is just as dark and creepy as ever.

Most people who read my reviews can realize that me and prison films just do not mix. Far too many of them are incredibly hokey and if I hear one more cliché about dropping the soap, I swear I might just go watch about a 12 hour Golden Girls marathon. However, our film today deals with a psychiatric hospital for criminals. It sounds a lot like a prison to me, but perhaps today’s review will take on a much gentler tone and provide us with something just a little different.

Allen Meneric (played by Nick Stahl) and his girlfriend (played by Haley Webb) drive up to a house. Allen is angry, upset and tells his girlfriend to get in the car and drive home. Apparently, the girlfriend was raped by a guy who just so happens to be here at the house ready for Allen to strike. The girl drives away sobbing. Meanwhile, Allen proceeds to pick up a wrench. That is when everything goes black.

I knew this movie was in big trouble as soon as it decided to kill off its most charismatic character/actor in the first 10 minutes. Don't worry, MMA fans: the poor soul who prematurely bites the dust is not played by UFC legend Randy Couture, who headlines this straight-to-DVD airplane "thriller" that makes you appreciate all the skill and care devoted to making even enjoyably junky action flicks like Passenger 57.

When a terrorist group known as The Tribe hijacks a luxury jumbo jet belonging to wealthy industrialist Bruce Lieb (Craig Fairbrass), they weren't counting on having Paul Ross (Couture) as a passenger. Ross is a government agent who has been doggedly pursuing the terrorist group. The Tribe demands a suspiciously specific payment of $2.73 billion or they will start executing hostages. Among the hostages is Ross's estranged ex-fiancee (Tiffany Dupont), because beefy action heroes have the worst luck when it comes to having cherished loved ones in peril.