2.35:1 Widescreen

Steven Spielberg’s very-long-in-gestation adaptation of Hergé’s Tintin finally came into being over Christmas. The story, very much in keeping with the globe-trotting adventures of the comic books (drawing heavily, in fact, upon The Secret of the Unicorn), has Tintin (voiced by Jaime Bell) become embroiled in a treasure quest after buying a model ship that has one third of the secret concealed in its mast. Captured by nefarious evil-doers who will stop at nothing to find the treasure, he encounters Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis), and a legendary friendship is formed.

As of late, I have found myself picking up some classic albums by Madonna. Her early stuff mostly, but I have even picked up Truth or Dare on Blu-Ray within the last week or so. Why? I honestly can not explain. Maybe I miss her voice, her sex appeal and the music that has made her a legend. What I did not expect was that I was going to be reviewing a movie directed by her. So let us sit back and see how the movie W./E. plays out.

“Here in Tresock, I believe the old religion of the Celts fits our needs at this time. Isn’t that all you can ask of a religion?”

In 1973 Director Robin Hardy captured lightning in a bottle with the classic The Wicker Man. Based on David Pinner's 1967 novel Ritual and loosely adapted into Anthony Shaffer’s sharp screenplay. Shaffer painstakingly researched paganism giving the film an undeniable authenticity, The Wicker Man became a genre of its own known as Folk Horror. The beauty of the film was the war of counter-religions, Christianity vs. Celtic Paganism.

The fourth Mission: Impossible entry exchanges digits for a subtitle, and brings in Brad Bird to direct his first live-action feature. So the man whose The Incredibles made fun of the sort of thing that is the bread-and-butter of the M:I franchise is brought in to revitalize said franchise. Result? Job done.

I was flipping through the latest issue of Sad Trombone magazine the other day, and it contained an article revealing — through entirely unscientific research — that the general consensus appears to be, "People suck." As a result, I was already in the proper mindset when I sat down to watch The Divide, probably the most pessimistic movie of the past year.

Roman Polanski's seminal neo-noir finally makes it to Blu-ray. Gino has already handled the previous DVD release, so I'm going to turn the reins over to him for a while, then jump back in.

"Jake Gittes is a Chandler style detective with all of the trappings. From the office to the secretary and the cop friend, Gittes is a cliché. He appears to specialize in tracking down extramarital affairs. When he’s hired to keep an eye on a rich millionaire, the subject turns up dead, and maybe it wasn’t his wife at all who hired him. Gittes now must investigate to save his own hide. His investigation leads him to a corrupt water department taking advantage of a manufactured drought. His client has a dark secret that only complicates Gittes’ efforts.

I think most of us can agree that being buried alive would be a horrible way to go. Several movies — Kill Bill: Vol. 2, The Vanishing (not the soft American remake) and, of course, Buried — have exploited that terror to varying degrees of success. Though the action in A Lonely Place to Die centers around a girl found buried in the Scottish Highlands, the camera frequently pulls way back to show us the desolate beauty (and danger) of the mountainous setting. I really wish director Julian Gilbey had kept the action on those mountains.

“Chill out? Am I the only one hearing this? This thing attacks people, Jane, and she wants to go looking for it, because she has deranged fantasies about the unexplained!”

In Splintered a group of teens go seek the truth behind the northern Wales urban legend known as the Beast of Bodmin, a creature who may be responsible for the death of a bunch of livestock and the disappearance of a number of tourists and citizens. Sophie (Holly Weston) lives with unsuppressed childhood memories of being assaulted in her bedroom by some kind of beast man.

After watching Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, my mind wandered over to Inception of all places. Remember how Ellen Page's character pretty much only existed so other people could explain to her — and, by extension, us in the audience — the rules of the movie's universe and what the hell was happening? Well, watching Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy for the first time felt a lot like what I imagine Inception would look like if Page's novice architect hadn't been in the script: words and items have dual meanings, characters have double (and triple) motivations, and good luck figuring out everything that's going on in this complex world!

I don't think I'm breaking any news when I say that director Paul W.S. Anderson's latest action spectacle, an update of Alexandre Dumas' classic The Three Musketeers, is junk. So far, the director has specialized in taking established properties — including the Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat videogames, as well as the Alien and Predator franchises — and re-working them to fit his own shallow, highly-stylized, quick-cutting sensibilities. The result is basically the cinematic equivalent of junk food: people know those Resident Evil movies are bad, but they just can't stop consuming them.