Horror

"Now this is going to be so much fun."

They've just saved the world, yet again. If you watch Supernatural, you know I'm talking about the Winchester brothers Sam and Dean. You also know by now that saving the world is never the end of the story. Each time they put themselves out there to stop the big evil from putting a major hurt on planet Earth, it comes at a cost, and this season is no exception.

When you pick up a movie with the title Strippers vs. Werewolves, to expect anything more than schlocky B-movie horror is a mistake by the viewer and the viewer alone.  This foray into cheesy cinema is best viewed after a few drinks or just as random fun late at night when you can’t sleep.  It’s never a movie trying to change the way we view cinema but instead just something to have some fun with, a simple escape where our brains can shut off and simply enjoy the show.

While giving a private dance, Justice (Adele Silva) kills a well-dressed gentleman who changes into a werewolf.  Little does Justice know that he is connected to a powerful pack of werewolves that will stop at nothing to avenge their fallen pack member.  But this isn’t the first run-in with werewolves by Jeanette (Sarah Douglas), the owner of the Vixens strip club; she’s fought and killed werewolves before and is ready to do it again to protect her club and the girls.

"If there's a theme, you could call it The Return..."

Warner Brothers has entered the popular scene with yet another vampire series taken from yet another powerful franchise of popular books. Enter The Vampire Diaries. While I've avoided the Twilight series so far (I've had my fill of teenage angst as a high school teacher). The series follows loosely the series of novels written by L.J. Smith. If you're a fan of the books, you have to take a few things into consideration. Characters work differently on screen than in a book, so many of them have been changed. Perhaps the biggest change is that Elena's four-year-old sister is now a teenage younger brother. You may not like the change, but it does make for better prime-time drama, doesn't it? The crew attempted to keep as close to the source material as possible, while attempting to create their own special television universe. I'm not sure about the books. I've never read them. I do know that this show works.

There is a long line of adaptations of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and here we have a modern re-telling of the classic horror tale. Like the original, Dr. Jekyll is experimenting on a wild potion, but while experimenting on himself a malevolent alter-ego named Mr. Hyde emerges from within him to go on killing sprees.

The original tale is told from the point of view of the attorney enlisted to help solve this problem. In this film, the attorney is both an aid to Jekyll and a love interest. While this added romantic element does make for some added moments of increased tension when Hyde attacks the woman Jekyll is falling for, it mostly just makes the movie feel more cliché and makes the flow of the story much more boring and predictable with the plot falling into the usual "final-girl" or "boy must save girl" trappings when relying on their relationship to be the anchor of the conflict, when there are so many more interesting elements at play.

What’s the latest home video gimmick? 3D, of course. And what’s the leading genre for cheap thrills on a low budget? The goofball horror movie, right? So it makes sense – sort of – for an enterprising filmmaker to throw together a low-comedy fright flick with cheesy gross-outs and bouncing breasts. See, in 3D, those babies can bounce big-time. And if that’s not enough boost for the boys in the audience, you also get severed heads, detached limbs, barf jokes and the dopiest plot this side of Lake Placid the Final Chapter. OK, you caught me. I never saw that one, it just sounds ridiculous.

But I did sit through Piranha 3DD, which was not difficult because (a) I still enjoy the novelty of 3D home video, (b) it’s only 82 minutes long, and (c) the film earns its R rating (for “sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use”) while refusing to take itself seriously for even a moment.

Anyone who has watched enough of the SyFy original movies has a pretty good idea of what they're getting. The network has made a bit of a name for itself with low-budget to no-budget monster movies. Most of the creatures are mutant and large and appear like they escaped from a bad 1950's drive-in theater. The computer generated stuff usually looks like a kid drew it up on their pocket computer, and the cast is going to be made up of unknowns with a few known names to give the whole thing some street cred. The movies are usually good for a few laughs; some of them might even be intentional. It's all usually harmless fun. But, after watching Jersey Shore Shark Attack I believe that Steven Spielberg must be rolling over in his grave. He's still alive, you say? Wait until he catches this movie on his Tivo. In fact, if he's got it on his Netflix queue, I'm taking Steve in the next dead pool that comes out. Unfairly harsh? A bit too critical? See for yourself, I dare you. I double dog dare you.

The movie is a combination of Jaws meets Jersey Shore meets The Sopranos. And in case you didn't get it yourself, the cast includes Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino in a cameo as a television reporter and The Sopranos’ own Paulie "Walnuts" Tony Sirico in what is basically an extended cameo as a beach club owner.

George Romero created the modern zombie movie in 1968 with his low-budget masterpiece The Night Of The Living Dead. While we can debate the direction the genre has gone in the last 40 years, it's hard to argue that Romero defined the rules of the game with that first film and the series that followed. And while zombies have been populating the comic scene since the early days of Creepy and Eerie, it took the likes of Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore to give us a compelling interpretation of the Romero zombie in the form of a comic book series. That vision is the foundation for the first effort to populate a television series with zombies as the ongoing antagonists. It took American Movie Classics to have the vision to allow this creative team to dream big and put it all on our television screens on a weekly basis.

The first thing you should know about The Walking Dead is that it's unlike any television series you have ever seen before. The images here are intense, and the crew has been given a blank check to create this vision without the burden of censors looking over their shoulders. There are plenty of blood-and-gore effects that rival any of the Hollywood zombie films you've seen in the last few years. The makeup effects are handled by the very capable hands of KNB and supervised personally by Greg Nicotero (the N from KNB). KNB isn't treating this like a television production, and while I personally get tired of the cliché about making a movie each week, this one lives up to the hype. They aren't doing anything different here than they would do for a big-budget film. The zombies look incredible, and the effects are completely first-rate.

"This is where society dumps its worst nightmares."

In 1978 John Carpenter created a landmark horror film in Halloween. While it certainly can't be called the first slasher film, it was absolutely the first commercially successful slasher movie and set up the pattern that we're still following today. Carpenter created a new kind of Hollywood monster: the mindless human-shaped killing machine. Michael Myers with his William Shatner rubber mask would eventually give birth to the likes of Jason and Freddy.

"They should ban Halloween in this town."

By the time we got to the 5th installment of the Halloween film franchise, there might have been fans thinking it might be time to ban its sequels. Even the return of young Danielle Harris and Donald Pleasence couldn't save this train wreck of a movie. It ranks as the worst of all 10 Halloween films at the box office and has been conveniently forgotten by the fans of the franchise. Yes, it even made less money than Season Of The Witch. It looks like we're about to be reminded of just how horrible horror can really be.

I've said before that they just don't make action movies like they used to. I'd like to slightly amend that statement: they still make action movies like they used to, it's just a heck of a lot harder to find them. As production costs continue to rise, studios seem to be playing it safer than ever in terms of which movies get the widest releases. As a result, bloodless PG-13 flicks designed to hit as many quadrants as possible tend to grab the most screens. Put it this way: I haven't seen the new Total Recall, but I'm fairly confident there's no scene where Colin Farrell yells, "See you at the party, sweetheart!" while holding the bloody stumps of Kate Beckinsale's arms.

Battleground — an action-horror hybrid out on DVD Aug. 28 — is actually reminiscent of a different Arnold Schwarzenegger action classic.