Posted in: Disc Reviews by J C on February 6th, 2014
“Don't try to figure this out...I'm just a crazy, horny bitch.”
This column strongly opposes cheating on your significant other. But if you absolutely can't help yourself, you've got to be smarter about it than the numbskull played by Billy Zane in this film. In Scorned — a junky, over-the-top cross between Fatal Attraction and Misery — his girlfriend is an admitted manic-depressive who regularly takes as much medication as she can stuff in her purse. So what exactly did this dolt think would happen when she found out that he was sleeping with her best friend?
Posted in: Disc Reviews by J C on February 4th, 2014
“I’m match for any man.”
The idea that “behind every great man, there’s a great woman rolling her eyes” far predates its adoption as a feminist slogan in the middle of the previous century. The White Queen — a sumptuous, rushed combination of Game of Thrones-style high-stakes scheming and Tudors-style regal bodice ripping — uses Britain’s late medieval history as a jumping off point for pushing a number of notable women to the forefront.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by J C on February 3rd, 2014
“How did the stripper get in the maid's room?”
That question sounds like the set up for some juvenile, profane joke, but it also tidily encapsulates the plot of Afternoon Delight. The film is about the plight of an affluent, quietly desperate housewife who takes it upon herself to “rescue” a young, down-on-her-luck stripper. What the quote doesn't quite capture is how this funny and frank outing from first-time feature filmmaker Jill Soloway is really about the universal quest for intimacy.
Posted in: The Reel World by J C on January 31st, 2014
The title refers to the junction in every romantic relationship when a couple has to decide between moving forward and moving on, but That Awkward Moment could also describe the dicey transition between squeaky clean teen star and legitimate adult performer. (Hi, Miley.) To his credit, Zac Efron has already dipped his toe — and other body parts — in provocative waters. (Including Lee Daniels’ The Paperboy Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire.) But That Awkward Moment is the star’s first big, commercial, R-rated swing. The real awkwardness happens the moment you realize the movie isn’t nearly as clever or subversive as it seems to think it is.
Fortunately for Efron — and his two on-the-rise co-stars — the film’s talented, likable performers are its major saving grace. Efron stars as Jason, who can charitably be described as a man-whore lothario. When we meet Jason, he’s sitting on a frigid park bench for reasons that will become clearer over the next 90 or so minutes.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by J C on January 30th, 2014
Collision is ostensibly about a honeymooning couple who gets stranded in the desert, and how the harsh, unforgiving terrain shines a light on their many secrets. But the coolest thing about this thriller — besides the spectacularly violent car crash that sets the plot in motion and gives the film its title — is how the story could've been told from any of the marooned characters' perspectives. I just wish writer/director David Marconi hadn't taken the most winding, contrived road possible to arrive at his destination.
This English-language French thriller counts Luc Besson among its producers. Yet instead of touting Leon: The Professional or even The Fifth Element, the Blu-ray case for Collision boasts that it's, “From the producer of The Transporter and Taken 2(?!) And that's how a Blu-ray case can instantly make you feel old.
Posted in: No Huddle Reviews by J C on January 28th, 2014
“Stonados...I'll be damned.”
They say if you're going to steal, you should steal from the best. Well, that's the exact opposite of what SyFy has done with the hilariously shameless act of self-cannibalization known as Stonados. Say what you will about Sharknado — and snarky commenters excitedly blew up Twitter shortly after its premiere — but at least that particular slice of premium B-movie cheese was inspired in its lunacy and stupidity. Stonados, on the other hand, is pretty obviously a way for the network to capitalize on the unexpected heat generated this past summer by the perfect shlock storm of Sharknado.
Posted in: Disc Reviews by J C on January 24th, 2014
In the 1990s, the French action films of Luc Besson (La Femme Nikita, Leon: The Professional) and Euro-centric offerings like John Frankenheimer’s Ronin provided a sleeker, more exotic alternative to the outsize, muscle-bound exploits of Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme. Besides movies with the words “Fast” or “Furious” in their title, American action flicks have mostly moved away from lo-fi, knucklehead thrills and turned to PG-13 heroes in CGI adventures. Meanwhile, European filmmakers have stayed in their stylish, car/foot-chase-loving lane. The result is entertaining yarns like The Prey/La Proie, which stands out thanks to its thuddingly simple action movie pleasures.
“Sure, Franck. You can trust me.”
Posted in: Disc Reviews by J C on January 22nd, 2014
Location, location, location! The notion that a desirable geographic spot can make a huge difference isn’t exclusive to the world of real estate. Take, for instance, Crossing Lines. At first glance, the show fits comfortably alongside any number of American police procedurals that feature curiously attractive cops and a fresh set of dead bodies each week. It’s a formula that’s worked for decades, so it’s hard to argue for a complete overhaul. The best fans can hope for are clever tweaks to help new shows stand out from the crowded cop show lineup. Crossing Lines accomplishes this by taking all the fake corpses you’ve seen on New York and L.A. streets and scattering them across Europe.
“Like all good stories, this one starts with a beautiful woman. Young, adventurous, full of life…unfortunately, this story also starts with the end of that life.”
Posted in: No Huddle Reviews by J C on January 20th, 2014
- “We at Comedy Bang! Bang! love random humor.”
- “Next to 'offbeat,' it's my favorite.”
Posted in: Disc Reviews by J C on January 16th, 2014
“They’re gonna laugh at you. They’re all gonna laugh at you.”
The idea of remaking/reimagining/refurbishing a horror classic may have been laughable at one point, but now it’s just business as usual. Then again, I happen to think this is an especially good time to revisit 1976’s Carrie. With all the attention bullying has gotten in the media these last few years, the supernatural story of a high school outsider pushed to her violent breaking point seems particularly timely. I just wish the new movie had more going for it beyond decent timing and a pair of impressive leading ladies.
